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Subject:
Is there hope for a "bland, nice guy?"
Category: Relationships and Society > Romance Asked by: pcventures-ga List Price: $6.00 |
Posted:
15 Feb 2004 06:49 PST
Expires: 20 Feb 2004 05:20 PST Question ID: 306967 |
Let's face it, "nice guys" don't get the girl. Certainly not the "nice" ones who for whatever reason are usually classified by women as "not interesting/fun/cool" enough to warrant attention. Is there any hope for a guy in that category? What can a basically decent guy do to make himself more interesting/fun/cool/appealing? I found an interesting site, www.sosuave.com, via Google Answers before, but as helpful as it is, it doesn't really address the notion of the image/personality makeover a guy needs to get more interest from women. |
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There is no answer at this time. |
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Re: Is there hope for a "bland, nice guy?"
From: pinkfreud-ga on 15 Feb 2004 16:11 PST |
>> Let's face it, "nice guys" don't get the girl. A nice guy got this girl. In July the nice guy and I will celebrate our 24th wedding anniversary. It is my belief that the only area of life where "nice guys finish last" is in bed, where a nice guy will generally let the lady finish first. ;-) |
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Re: Is there hope for a "bland, nice guy?"
From: robertskelton-ga on 15 Feb 2004 16:26 PST |
It's okay to be bland & nice. What women want is condfidence. Confidence in yourself will give them confidence in you. To find true self-confidence, you need to be the best at something. It doesn't matter what it is. If you are the best damn street sweeper north of the river, and you feel it, believe it, and it causes you to hold your head up high, then that is enough. For example, I've answered more questions here than any other Australian. It gives me pride. I get women. I was hopeless with the opposite sex before Google Answers came along. I can highly recommend the independent US film from 3 or 4 years back called The Tao of Steve, which helped me understand... http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0234853/ |
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Re: Is there hope for a "bland, nice guy?"
From: hammer-ga on 15 Feb 2004 16:46 PST |
A nice guy got this girl too. Coming up on our 12th anniversary. He's still nice to me, and I still think I somehow got the best husband in the world. I'm not sure how old you are, but that "nice guys don't get the girl" stuff tends to go away as the girls get older than 20 and start seeing "exciting and dangerous" as "never around and when he is I wish he wasn't". Guys who are more interested in you than in their bike/car/beer/sport/buddies/other women/selves start to look pretty good! When it comes to the long run, nice guys specifically *do* get the girl. Just because you are nice, doesn't mean you have to be invisible. Get out there and be nice! Meet nice women. Take them to nice dinners, go to nice movies, have nice conversations, plan nice surprises. Every woman you meet won't want to spend the rest of her life with you, but you won't want that either. Keep trying. One day, you'll show up where she works and find all her friends standing around looking at the nice flowers you sent and the nice letters you wrote and talking about how they *wish* they could find a man who would be so nice to them. - Hammer |
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Re: Is there hope for a "bland, nice guy?"
From: pcventures-ga on 15 Feb 2004 18:09 PST |
I appreciate the comments, but they don't exactly address the problem of a guy who just isn't that interesting to be around, who's best attribute is simply being nice. I'm not saying, "I wanna be a bad boy" type, but let's face it, boring men are a turn-off. I was really looking for ways a guy can become more interesting to the opposite gender without going overboard with some silly macho act. |
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Re: Is there hope for a "bland, nice guy?"
From: pinkfreud-ga on 15 Feb 2004 18:13 PST |
Most women like men who have a good sense of humor. You don't have to be a stand-up comedian, but it might help if you acquired some funny stories that you could tell as ice-breakers. Best if the stories aren't too off-color. |
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Re: Is there hope for a "bland, nice guy?"
From: byrd-ga on 15 Feb 2004 18:47 PST |
Ok, a nice guy got this girl too. And he really *is* a nice guy, so nice that he's right - thirty years ago I might never have given him the time of day, well except for the fact that ... but I'm getting ahead of myself. You see, I was one of those girls who liked the dangerous, exciting "bad boys" too, so I do have some experience to back up this advice. Here's a tip I'll give ya - and my 'nice boy,' who's now fifty years old, agrees. In fact, he shakes his head and mutters, "If I had only known .... I had no clue ..." And sighs. And rolls his eyes. And then he smiles. 'Cause he's got a clue now and it still amazes him, even though we see the principle in operation all the time these days! :-) Here's the deal: get a motorcycle, and preferably not just any motorcycle either. Get a Harley. Doesn't have to be new, and doesn't have to be top of the line. Just make sure it's reasonably clean, has a back seat WITH a back rest (or sissy bar or whatever you want to call it), a fair amount of chrome, and some good loud pipes. Learn to ride it if you don't already know how, and then ride - whenever and wherever you can. Get some leather. Rev up that engine. When (notice I didn't say "if") a chick gives you the eye, ask her if she'd like a ride. Then give her one. And take your time vibrating, er - idling I mean ;-) at stop signs and lights. You don't have to change a thing about yourself, just be as nice as you really are. And I bet it works. And this is only a teeny fraction tongue-in-cheek .... Girls DO like nice guys - but sometimes they need a little help getting to notice/know one. If I had met my nice guy thirty years ago, no, I might never have given him a second glance, except that he *did* have the right stuff even though he didn't know it then - a motorcycle!! This girl (and lots of others), even though usually fairly prudent and not especially trusting, has nevertheless been known to go off with a total stranger on a moment's notice just to get a ride on a gorgeous bike .... girls today do too. So get a Harley. Bet it'll help. And in between girls, you'll be having fun too! Disclaimer: NO I don't work for Harley-Davidson, and Google Answers does not necessarily agree with my opinion, nor promote any particular make or model of motorcycle. It's just that I grew up in Wisconsin with the sound of those engines in my dreams ... me and a lot of other chicks elsewhere ;-) Good luck! |
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Re: Is there hope for a "bland, nice guy?"
From: mother911-ga on 16 Feb 2004 05:08 PST |
Give us a little more info about yourself nice guy, Tell us what you look like, your hobbies, your interests, and your ideal girl. Be careful to not give personal information like name address phone email etc. If there is an image of you publicly posted that would be nice too, if not...tell us who you look like. What do you do for a living...just tell us your job, not your specific information. Perhaps we are able to give you some advice from your lifestyle that will help you. I can tell you that I am the nice guy who got the girl. I am politically incorrect, ugly, overweight, and always had luck with the ladies. Mainly, because I was confident in myself, and because I was brutally honest with them. I was also always an intersting date. Dinner and movies is nice, chinese food at a drive in is different. I convinced a local pizza parlor owner to teach me to make a pizza, then I told a girl I would make her dinner. I took her to the pizza place and made a pizza for her. A little confidence, a little adventure, and some fun never ever hurts. Mother911-ga |
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Re: Is there hope for a "bland, nice guy?"
From: pcventures-ga on 16 Feb 2004 06:57 PST |
Hey, Mother911... The physical part: 5'9", straight, black hair, pale skin, slim, slight to med build, blue/green eyes. I'm self-employed - I fix computers for a living - I make housecalls to residences and businesses. Do pretty well at it, too. My work takes up too much of my time for me to develop anything resembling an interesting hobby or avocation. Truth be told, nothing interests me much except movies (passionate about film) and travel, but I've gone through too many financial difficulties in the last three years to be able to afford to go anywhere. I hang out with a friend who's somewhat better looking (although shorter and with a big gut), but something about him attracts women. I burns me up that he's so funny, charming and clever, because he's also a jobless, carless loser who still lives with his parents (we're 32). I own an apartment, have a good business and drive a really nice car. I need to do something different because women just aren't noticing me. I'm just not sure what. |
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Re: Is there hope for a "bland, nice guy?"
From: mother911-ga on 16 Feb 2004 07:42 PST |
Hi Pcventures, You didn't mention any of your thoughts on your ideal girl. I also noticed that you seem a little stressed when in a girl meeting enviornment. How are you as far as being able to communicate with women, just striking up conversation, making a joke, etc, do you tense up, palms get sweaty? |
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Re: Is there hope for a "bland, nice guy?"
From: poe-ga on 16 Feb 2004 10:27 PST |
What you need, sir, is to work or live or exist in an environment that is exclusively or mostly female. The only rule you need to enforce on yourself is to not shut up and hide in the corner. A couple of weeks in and you'll have as much confidence around women as you could ever need. If this isn't an option in real life, do it online. Find a chatroom, even a risque chatroom, where there are regulars, and join in. Be yourself but exaggerate your character a little. When you start realising what works and what doesn't, start doing exactly the same things in real life. Being bland isn't a problem. Being nice isn't a problem. Being too shy to take part in anything is a very very very big problem. And I'm a nice guy who didn't get the girl for a long, long time. Shrug. I still got her in the end. Poe |
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Re: Is there hope for a "bland, nice guy?"
From: eiffel-ga on 16 Feb 2004 12:46 PST |
Hey pcventures, Like poe, I'm the nice guy who didn't get the girl for a long, long time - but much to my amazement I got her in the end. Like hammer said, it gets much easier as time goes on. By the time you're 25, the field will have cleared a bit, and nice guys will be in demand. To my astonishment, I was even chased by someone who I'd considered absolutely unattainable ten years earlier - by then she'd changed enough to appreciate me (but unfortunately for her she'd left it too long!). Pinkfreud-ga is right about a sense of humor of course (she's right about most things). Guys with a better sense of humor than me were always leaving me in the dust when it came to girls. So cultivate any latent sense of humor that you've got. Poe is right that you should find a work or leisure environment that is predominantly women. It's simple maths: chance of success equals probability per woman multiplied by number of women. You say you like travel, but can't afford to travel - so travel locally! Join a club that hikes in the hills or find a sport or hobby that involves a lot of travel (orienteering is just one example). Finally, remember that it's a symmetrical situation. There are loads of wonderful "bland, nice girls" out there - but, like you, it's not working out for them. Maybe they feel that for whatever reason they are usually classified by men as "not interesting/fun/cool" enough to warrant attention. But all they really need is the right guy to "bring out their virtues". So seek out those who you might otherwise not be interested in. In retrospect, during my younger years, many of the nicest girls were totally ignored for that very reason. If only I had realised it at the time! Finally, go for it! Take the highs and the lows as they come. In the long run, it's the "intense" experiences you'll look back on and savor, and the lost opportunities will count for nothing. Good luck! Regards, eiffel-ga |
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Re: Is there hope for a "bland, nice guy?"
From: hummer-ga on 16 Feb 2004 13:03 PST |
Hi pcventures, Please be yourself - trying to be someone you're not won't work, not in the long-term anyway. Despite what you may read, women appreciate chivalry - open the door for them, help them on with their coats, that sort of thing. Be attentive - don't try to be the life of the party, instead, ask questions and then really listen to their answers. Be romantic - kissing is important, develope a nice one (not too wet or too wide - be nice and soft). Candles are a nice touch. Keep condoms handy - don't leave it to her to remember them. Cleansliness is more important than looks and designer clothes - a mild smelling soap is nice - don't go heavy on the aftershave (don't be afraid to wear a beard - many women love them). Women love men who can cook - become an expert on a few good recipes (nothing too fancy) and give her the full treatment (soup to nuts) & don't let her help with the dishes. Don't forget a dessert - usually chocolate is a big hit but ask first! If she's on a diet, serve a small dish of sherbert. If you don't have nice dishes, you could probably find some for two people at your local thrift store - old stuff with character is more interesting than new stuff and it can also be a conversation piece. Most of all, you need to go to places where women are - the park? Sit on a park bench, have an interesting book with you that you would enjoy talking about, and be pleasant - SMILE. Good luck - I hope you send us an update from time to time, hummer |
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Re: Is there hope for a "bland, nice guy?"
From: poe-ga on 16 Feb 2004 14:10 PST |
I ought to clarify one point I made, as it was misleading. Eiffel interpreted my comment about working (or playing) in a predominantly female environment as increasing your chances and his reaction is absolutely correct given his interpretation. However, I had other reasons in mind. I have never personally been scared to open my mouth around women, but I did work at a data processing firm for a number of years where everyone else except the boss was female. I realise just how much my confidence improved over that timeframe, purely because I was talking to women all the time. I wasn't interested in getting any of these girls but I do value the lessons I learned in working out how to open my mouth around them. If there's an all-office conversation about period pains or giving birth or the right sort of tampon and you're the only male there, you learn to cope. Quickly. Or they'll eat you alive. Once you can cope with that, talking to the one girl you want is going to seem like the easiest thing in the world. |
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Re: Is there hope for a "bland, nice guy?"
From: pcventures-ga on 16 Feb 2004 14:52 PST |
Mother911: Ideal girl? Between 27 and 35 (I'm 32), bright, hard-working, slender and curious, openness to trying new things (especially interesting cuisine), with a strong independent streak (libertarians especially welcome). The funny thing is, Mother, that I used to have much more confidence, I just somehow lost it along the way. I also haven't come across too many women I've felt like, "I've really gotta talk to that one." I think the idea of putting myself into an environment with more women is a good idea, but difficult to do given the odd hours I work. Look, a lot of you are saying stuff like, "it's OK to just be myself" and to not fight my essential nature. But that's the problem - no one likes bland. I don't want to be bland. I think I'm not an especially bland person by nature, but I'm *acting* that way because I'm stuck in a behavioral rut. I originally posted looking for anyone who can suggest how a guy can become more interesting. Hummer - I think you're only partly right. Unfortunately, my experiences have been that perversely, the better you are to someone, the worse they are to you. There was only one woman who truly reciprocated when I was good to her. I think women, especially the younger ones, are outright contemptuous of the whole "chivalry" thing and are actually turned off by it. I treated an ex-girlfriend to a light dinner one night recently. She didn't even say thanks. (she's here visiting from another country, where she moved to). Two days later, we were talking, and she complained about the guy who she moved here to be with. This guy very savagely (verbally) broke off the relationship. During the declining phase of their relationship (he was already treating her badly at this point)they were at another diner together. As she explained it, she thanked him repeatedly for the meal, and all he said was, "you're an ungrateful (unprintable.)" I'm not excusing ill treatment of any type, but I'm sorry, I just know that women don't want overly nice, overly attentive men. Even when they say they do. |
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Re: Is there hope for a "bland, nice guy?"
From: scriptor-ga on 17 Feb 2004 10:52 PST |
According to my own personal observations, the nice guy never gets the intelligent, beautiful girl. He also does't get the dumb, beautiful girl, or the intelligent, ugly girl. Actually, the nice guy should consider himself lucky if fate, the Almighty, or the mysterious forces with the bad sense of humor that mastermind the universe let him get the dumb, ugly girl. As I said, that's the summary of what I noticed. There may be exceptions. But certainly they are as rare as ice cubes in the Sahara. Scriptor |
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Re: Is there hope for a "bland, nice guy?"
From: hammer-ga on 17 Feb 2004 12:07 PST |
I think part of the problem is with saying that "bland" and "nice" are the same thing. A man can be both nice and also interesting. A man can be nice and attentive without being "overly" either. And, despite what you may think, all women are not into being treated like garbage. Some are. Some just fell for the wrong guy. I do agree that bland is a problem when it comes to attracting women. If you blend into the wallpaper, then we never notice you to find out whether you are nice or not. You don't actually sound terribly bland. A wide range of film interests, love of travel, and a taste for exotic cuisine and a bent towards libertarianism are not bland traits. Are you a good host? Have you considered organizing events for your friends and workmates that point up these interests and abilities? Throw parties. You can be the one to organize a group tour of some interesting place. You can invite people over to screen interesting and cool movies. You can cook yummy interesting dishes and bring them into the office to share. This sort of thing can make you a focal point of your social group, opens up topics of conversation for women who share (or want to share) these interests, and certainly serves to pop you out of the woodwork. In addition, being invited at first as part of a group is less intimidating to a woman than being invited specifically on a date. It gives her a chance to see you at your best without having to worry about "leading you on" or whether she's "interested" or the other stuff we worry about when guys ask us out on dates. |
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Re: Is there hope for a "bland, nice guy?"
From: mother911-ga on 18 Feb 2004 09:24 PST |
I'm sorry it took so long to respond, but what i've realized, and it is difficult to say, is that you aren't bland. You seem more bitter about some things in your past. I think you need to just start with a fresh plate, and a fresh attitude, take some chances, talk to anyone you see who interests you. Bland would be an accountant who collects pencil shavings. You travel, and are interested in film and cuisine. Most women would kill themselves to meet a man who is interested in seeing the world, sampling it's food, and then settle in for a nice movie over some popcorn. So bland...not you. You don't seem to have any blatant thing that would block women from talking to you. I am going to add some slightly obnoxious comments below they don't neccessarily represent you, just consider them. Please understand, these aren't judgements, these are honest opinions, and maybe the ladies here can comment on them. This is a list of things which will keep women from talking to you. 1. Smell. Not just bad odors, it's hard enough to talk to someone who has body odor, or foul breath. It's worse when you need to try not to aspirate the gallon of el cheapo cologne they bathed themselves in. I personally don't believe much cologne or perfume is neccessary. I little on your neck, and by little, I mean...spray it in the air and walk into it. But it's a splash bottle you say, stick your finger at the top and let a little dot get on the piece of your finger covering the hole. One maybe two of that little dot is more then enough. 2 Dirt. Like smell, dirty fingernails, dirty hands, shoes that look like you climbed a manure pile to get in the door, all bad. 3. Clothing. You don't need a million dollar wardrobe to impress the ladies, I meet my wife while wearing sweat pants, combat boots and a pull over sweashirt, now granted, I can make that outfit look studly, and it's not for everyone, but perhaps some women might be thinking, who the hell would wear combat boots and sweat pants. Make sure you are dressed appropriately for the occassion. Cargo pants and a football jersey are great for sunday at the sports bar, or super bowl sunday but not for a wedding. Make sure what you're wearing was made this century, your 20 yr old jordache jeans that still fit with your members only jacket is not a good look. Go and splurge if this is your closet inventory. Try and pay attention to laundry, clean underwear and socks are mandatory, but let's also consider that if you didn't fold it while it was clean, it probably looks like you found it under your bed. Spend a minute to run an iron over shirts and slacks before heading out. No one wants to look wrinkled and disheveled. Lastly, the basics, no white socks with dress shoes, no open toed sandal type shoes if your feet look like you kick cement walls for a living. 4. Conversation. Talk more about her, ask her questions, and listen to what she is saying, ask questions about things she is saying. Make it clear you are listening, by interacting with her comments. If she mentions a item of clothing you have no clue about, ask about it. If you have spent more then half the conversation speaking about yourself, or staring blindly at her while she rambles, you are failing. Be self depracating, as well as ego building. If you are a clutz, be honest about it, and don't spend hours regailing her with your touchdown catch in pee wee league football that no one but you remembers. If it is a funny story about you running the length of the field the wrong way, go with it, if you are the hero, let it wait til later. 5. Confidence. Go talk to her, it doesn't matter if you are scared, the worst thing she can say is no. If she does, who cares her loss, you're a great guy who travels the world and eats fine foods, and loves movies, perhaps she wants a guy who is a couch potato, who lives in front of the tv or computer all day. Move on and find a new interesting person. Also, avoid choosing people based solely on looks, choose someone who looks interesting, someone smiling, and not someone standing with a giant biker, or muscle bound steroid abusing sociopath. Good luck, Mother911-ga |
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Re: Is there hope for a "bland, nice guy?"
From: knowledge_seeker-ga on 19 Feb 2004 07:06 PST |
I remember reading a survey once (am about to date myself here :-)) regarding the characters on the TV show M*A*S*H* --- Hawkeye Pierce and BJ Hunnicut. An overwhelming majority of the women surveyed stated that,of the two, they would prefer to date Hawkeye. However an overwhelming majority also stated that they would much prefer to MARRY BJ. Food for thought. -K~ |
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Re: Is there hope for a "bland, nice guy?"
From: pcventures-ga on 20 Feb 2004 05:20 PST |
Everyone here has given me food for thought. Mother911, thanks for the bullet-points of advice - you're too hard on yourself - I took all of your suggestions in stride - you made good points! Thanks again everyone... :) |
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