in the opinion of a knowledgeable and unbiased person, what is the
likelihood that my girlfriend is having an affair of some type under
the following facts:

1) our relationship is on its last legs
2) my girlfriend is really tired of our relationship and has stated that many times
3) my girlfriend has said repeatedly that she can't be honest with me
and I feel like she is always omitting information
4) we have a long-distance relationship
5) in addition to living 2500 miles away, she travels overseas 75
percent of the time
6) my girlfriend?s boss (with whom she travels usually) selects her to
be his trips, selects her to be on his own two-man team while on these
trips and to work with him closely
7) their work frequently requires that he be in her hotel room most
nights until 12:00AM or 1:00AM or later
8) her co-workers have expressed jealousy at the closeness between her
boss and my girlfriend and feel like she gets special treatment from
him
9) there's a lot of secrecy about what they do, not just with regard
to work but also with regard to what I feel is a connection between
the two of them
10) she spends alot more time on her trips than she does with me (90
percent away, 10 percent with me)
11) her boss has been accused of sexual harassment by another female
co-worker who has spread rumors about my girlfriend and her boss.  my
girlfriend vehemently defends her boss saying he is innocent of all
wrongdoing
12) my girlfriend?s grooming habits for her private parts changed alot
after she took this job: when we were together in the same city, she
rarely groomed her private parts.  when she is with me now, even for a
few days, she has only once groomed her private parts. but, when she
is away for work she always has her private parts impeccably groomed.
13) we were going to go on vacation in may and her boss knew that. 
however, her boss asked her to stay on a business trip.  (she said it
was another boss that asked her to stay).  anyway, she stayed on the
trip and called off our vacation by breaking up with me on my birthday
because i asked a bunch of probing and admitedly insulting questions
about what was going on between her and her boss. she hadn?t called
until 2:00AM her time ?cause her boss had been in her room that whole
time and I got jealous
14) her boss has gone out of his way to help her get out of some trips
she didn?t want to go on, so she could go with him.
15) her boss has her cel phone number and has called her when they are
not working. She says only to discuss work matters.
15) my girlfriend has started turning off her cel phone when she is
around me and locking the key pad.
16) i am completely forbidden from calling her when she is away on
business. I can never, under any conditions, call her hotel room and
rarely know what hotel she is staying at.
17) she rarely talks with me when she is back in the US because she
does not want to talk with me when she is at her parents, with her
sister, with her other siblings, with her friends. even when she is
alone, she is usually too tired to talk.

with all that, she says she loves me and would like us to be together.
she says she has never cheated on me and i really believe her. She has
always been very honest and only recently has she said that she has to
be dishonest with me. I love her with all my heart. I asked her to
marry me.  but, like her co-workers, I have become jealous of this
secretive relationship she has with her boss and it is really eating
away at me.

there are many other things wrong with our relationship. many of them,
I have to admit, are mistakes I have committed.  I haven?t been a good
boyfriend and I think she would be happier without me.  I accept
responsibility for the things I have done, and maybe deserve it if she
did cheat on me.  for purposes of this request I just wanted to know
if someone unbiased could give me an approximation of the chances that
my girlfriend is having a secret affair.  i know the facts are my
version of the facts, but I have tried to be clear, if not detached,
in putting them down here.  but, I would also appreciate it if the
answer took into account that the facts are admittedly biased.

i also know that there's no way to tell what a person is doing by
simple probability. but i think it would help me to hear your response
anyway.

Thank you for prompt response and help.

Dear acastaway-ga;

Thank you for allowing me an opportunity to answer your interesting
question. I consider myself an insightful people-watcher with
considerable life experience so I?d be more than happy to give you my
unbiased opinion about your situation. Let?s set the stage, shall we:

Here we are, you and I, total strangers in a pub perhaps. After a few
comfortable drinks (but not too many of course) we connect and you
start to download all this onto the table for me. Not knowing you from
Adam you seem to me to be a fairly decent sort of fellow, prone to
occasional bouts of foot-in-mouth syndrome and always, even before
this incident perhaps, a little suspicious of your girlfriend?s
activities. I get the impression (remember, this is my opinion which
you asked for) to even be somewhat lacking in self-confidence and
worried that maybe your girlfriend could do much better than ?someone
like you?. It is clear to me that you are introspective and have spent
some time trying to evaluate (if not questioning) your own self worth
as well as your faults. It is admirable that you are willing to
shoulder much of the blame even if you did learn that your girlfriend
has been cheating on you but it is sad that you are willing to accept
her potential unfaithfulness as punishment for your own shortcomings.

Having never met your girlfriend, I get the impression from our
conversation about her that you are probably could easily attract
someone you would consider superior to yourself. In her defense
though, this has not been definitively proven as of yet. She sounds
like she exudes confidence and gravitates toward those who are
independent and success oriented. In this regard she is probably
?moving in another direction?. Your description of her paints of
portrait of a woman of the world, an international traveler whose
company is valued at a premium ? perhaps even as a trophy companion. I
suspect however that this has not always been the case and this
important status she now enjoys is something rather new to both of you
? exciting to her and uncomfortable for you.

Now that I have hear your story, let me talk to you across the table:

?Dude, wake up! Stevie Wonder could see what?s going on here!?

By your own admission your relationship ?is on its last legs? and she
has tried to tell you many, many times that she ?is really tired? of
this relationship. She?s actually SAYING it now, but think back?how
many times in the past do you think she has TRIED to say it and you
DIDN?T get it? My guess is a bunch of times.

You guys have this fragile long distance relationship that really
isn?t working most of the time and she?s even said herself that she
doesn?t feel like she can be honest with you. You know what that
means? That means that sometimes SHE?S LYING. Hello?

Look, she?s got this boss whose choosing her almost exclusively to go
on long trips with him out of the country. He?s footing the bill, he?s
in her hotel room til 1 o?clock in the morning sometimes and she
absolutely forbids you to call her at her hotel room ? EVER!. Even her
co-workers are starting to cackle about this potential affair and the
boss man himself has even been openly accused of being a little hot
with the office girls, right? The closeness of their relationship has
become so prevalent and obvious to everyone else that it?s now a full
blown workplace interruption.

The two of them are acting so suspicious that its evolved into
downright secrecy and to make matters worse your girlfriend is now
vigorously defending her ?boss? even to the point of making excuses
and trying to cover up for him after he?s reportedly been ACCUSED OF
BREAKING THE LAW.

Now comes this 2+2 observation that you?ve made that she?s gone off
traveling with her boss 90% of the time and she coincidentally decides
to give herself this private designer cut, how often? Hmm?let?s see,
about 90% of the time!

She cancelled your vacation at the request of her boss, the same guy
who incidentally does the traveling with her while designer cut in
still in style, and dumped you on your birthday, man! According you to
the boss?s behavior is not a surprise though because he?s rigged her
schedule before so she could get out of important obligations and
spend more time with him. He probably arranges these special trips by
calling her cell phone, the same cell phone that you are never allowed
to call her on, or even turn on for that matter! Why do you suppose
she does that? To keep you from seeing messages, maybe? Ya think? If
nothing funny were going on then why would it matter what you saw on
her cell phone? Okay, Okay?maybe she?s just a private person who wants
the guy she?s admitted to being dishonest with and admitted she?s
tired of to respect her privacy. That?s fair. I mean, after all, it is
HER cell phone. Of course, you wouldn?t know if this is the case or
not because she refuses to talk to you whenever she?s by herself or
with somebody. That pretty much rules out talking altogether doesn?t
it?

Okay, here?s how I see it: 

Is she cheating on you? My best guess is that it?s so likely it isn?t even funny. 

Is it the boss man? Who knows, but you know what is clear?  She says
she loves you and would like you two to be together (without honesty,
and only then 10% of the time) and says she has never cheated on you.
In the same breath she says she?s tired of the relationship and cannot
be truthful with you. Not to mention the fact that she?s already
dumped you once! Add that up on our little calculator here.

The only mistake I see that you?ve made is that when you bait your
hook with your heart don?t be surprised if you catch a shark. You are
a classic doormat dude, whose put everything he has out on the stoop
and ends up getting just what he?s asked for ? a muddy boot in your
backside.

Well, that?s what you asked for?my opinion. How about one for the road?

As hard as it is to swallow, I welcome your rating and your final
comments and I look forward to working with you again in the near
future. Thank you for bringing your question to us.

Best regards;
Tutuzdad ? Google Answers Researcher

---

Clarification of Answer by tutuzdad-ga on 28 Jun 2004 18:29 PDT

Dear acastaway-ga;

I'd just like to add that the opinion you asked for, while brutally
honest, is not at all intended to belittle you or the intelligent,
caring, and loving person you obviously are. I merely approached your
question as a friend would speak to a friend when love has clouded his
otherwise clear vision. I am certain from your description of yourself
that you are a well-intentioned caring person and I sincerely hope,
whatever the outcome, that you get everything out of life you hope to
achieve including reciprocal love.

Regards;
tutuzdad-ga

---

Clarification of Answer by tutuzdad-ga on 29 Jun 2004 11:27 PDT

Thank you for your generous tip. You are certainly welcome to post
another question intended for a female perspective BUT BE SURE YOU
SPECIFICALLY STATE THAT IN YOUR NEW QUESTION.

I wish you well.

Regards;
tutuzdad-ga

Thanks for your answer.

I don’t have many people with whom I can talk, let alone bring up such
a deeply personal and sad issue, so I really do appreciate your
opinion and am particularly grateful for the personal touch and humor
of your message.  I should also say that you don’t have to apologize
for being brutally honest.  I also appreciate your candor.

As you suggest, I may be choosing to remain blind (a la Stevie
Wonder), but I really don’t think she is cheating on me… well, at
least I guess I should say I don’t think she has had sex with this guy
(I really do believe her).  I do, however, think she has found a
meaningful emotional connection with her boss and I guess I’m afraid
it will lead to more (the opportunities are certainly there) and that
will mean I will have to spend my life without the woman I love.

But, I also understand her side, and I know how many bad things I did
to her, so I can see why she would like to leave.  I just don’t
understand why she hasn’t.  Maybe I have been so needed and clingy
that I haven’t let her make a clean break.  It’s hard, you know. I
know how much I needed her to live a fulfilling life, and how much I’m
gonna miss her.  So I’m always wishing and trying to make things work.
 But, again, given our history, my sadness and now my overt
insecurity, only make me that much more unappealing so I also agree
that given how I feel, how I act, how I look, etc., it is also not
that difficult to see why she would prefer the company of someone
else.

I also felt like I should clarify that her personal grooming habits
that changed when she took this job wasn’t really a designer cut, but
more maintenance of some little hairs that grow every couple of days
on particular private parts of her body.  I used to think they were
cute and never asked her to remove them.  And when she was with me
then, and with me now, she never removed them.  But, everytime she
comes back from one of her trips overseas, she is impeccably groomed
in that area.  I know it may be innocent.  She gets really upset
because that affects me, but it was such a stark change from her
habits before that given the circumstances it hurts to wonder why she
made that change at that time… along with other changes she has made.

I know I have to wake up.  I know she wants to be free and only stays
because I’m clinging.  It’s just so hard to let go.  But I’m trying.
Not just for my own good.  But also because I love her and would like
her to be happy.

As a final request, though, I would like the opinion of a girl on this
issue.  Is it possible to resubmit the same question for a female
researcher with the same price?  I’m just afraid that the leading set
of facts (together with your viewpoint as a male) may have provided an
answer that may be different if a female had gotten the same set of
facts directly from her.  She totally dismisses the fact that there is
anything unusual about the set of facts (and there’s some more
troubling issues that I didn’t mention).  She also says all her
friends and family members agree with her.  There is nothing in this
situation that strikes anyone as odd or that would raise a red flag. 
All her friends and sister think I am over reacting and there is
nothing here to feel insecure about.  It makes me feel like there’s
something wrong with me.  And since I don’t have anyone with whom to
talk about this she convinces me that the only problem is me.  Anyone
else would be totally okay with what’s going on.  So, I would be
particularly interested in hearing what a girl would say.

Thanks again for your service.