I?ve met my wife as a teenager and we dated for several years before
getting married. She was my first and I was hers. For years I thought
that we were each others true loves and sole mates. We?ve been through
many good and bad times together, had our differences but didn?t let
them stand between us. I always knew that she is a woman that I am
going to spend the rest of my life with.
About a year and a half ago I found a new job out-of-state, so I had
to relocate; my wife and I were separated for the first and only time
in over 10 years since we met each other. It took us 4 month to sell a
house, during that time I was really busy getting involved in my new
work environment, but we called each other almost on daily bases.
One day, about six month ago my wife told me that she fell in love
with someone else, though she still loves me. She told me that she had
an ?emotional affair? with her new coworker, while we were separated.
That he was handsome, romantic, with a great sense of humor, loved
her; that she was deeply attracted to him, even dated him several
times. After she left the state they kept calling each other for few
months, before my wife decided to end it. She claimed though that they
haven?t had sex, nor even kissed each other; that she wanted to find
out what she really wanted and than decide whom to be with. She told
me that she has chosen me, and decided to tell me everything, because
she needed help to get over the other guy, and she felt that she
couldn?t keep it secret from me any longer.
When I heard all that, I had a feeling there was no air in a room, I
was really devastated, but at the same time I kind of felt that the
fact that she told me something what I would have never found out on
my own had to be rewarded to some degree, so I made it look like I was
all right. For few weeks I was miserable, in shock, blamed myself for
not paying attention to my wife, felt unsecured, my self-confidence
sank to extremely low level. For the first time I realized that I was
becoming overweight, work obsessed, selfish person.  I realized how
dependant I was on my wife; I felt I had to win her back at any price.
For outside viewer our relationship went thru renaissance. We cried
together, laughed together, but I now I feel that I was just buying
time. About 2-3 weeks my wife revealed me the presents she kept from
that guy, told me that she trashed his letters, she also told me that
she?s been smoking since she became attracted to that guy. Couple days
letter she gave me his name, and his US and Canadian phone numbers.
The low point was that she didn?t mention any of this earlier. She
said she didn?t want to hurt me. Ever since then I am wondering what
else she didn?t tell so I wouldn?t get further hurt.
So, to make long story short after few months of emotional hell, I
moved on. I no longer feel anger, jealousy; I no longer wish to pay
back by having an affair to. I realize that everyone makes mistakes. I
don?t even know if what my wife did was a mistake. However, I no
longer feel that can fully trust my wife; I keep my thoughts on all of
this to myself. I still love her, but I feel something sacred,
something truly unique that was between us was broken. Maybe it was
crushed long ago, when I stopped bringing her flowers, when I?d choose
sit home and watch basketball rather than go out together. I don?t
know. But I do know that for the first time I can picture my life
without my wife in it. At the same time I don?t have any illusions
that another relationship would be trouble free. I want to start
trusting my wife once again. I want to have kids, but how do I develop
that sense of trust again?
Friend of mine told me to talk to my wife about my feelings and ask
her to call that guy with me on the phone and talk to him long enough
so I could get a clear picture of how far their relationship went.
Right now I am being torn apart between possibility to find out the
truth, and risk of bringing that guy back into my wife?s life. We
haven?t talked about him for 4 months now. I do know however, if she
refuses to call him, regardless what the reason is my suspicions will
be straightened and I will likely break up with her. On another hand
if my suspicions are confirmed, if she lied to me regardless of reason
I will also break up. Not because of the actual fact of physical
cheating, but because there will absolutely no way to restore the
trust. Sometimes I even entertain ideas like asking her to pass the
lie detector test.
Please advise me on what to do, and what not to do. I can?t leave
everything the way it is now, and I don?t want to rush into anything I
might regret latter on.
Thank you.

Dear Crossroads-ga,

I truly feel the pain, confusion and struggle interwoven throughout
your words. I'm not a marriage counselor, nor do I necessarily have
any answers for you. But I believe I know where you might find some
answers. Please have a look at the information on this website:
http://marriagebuilders.com/  Look at it carefully and with an open
mind.  Pay special attention to the advice about dealing with
infidelity. I believe that, if you're serious about saving your
marriage, you'll find the tools here that can help you to do just
that.

Best of luck to you,
Byrd-ga

Well I am not sure what to do here. If it were me I would pack up and
leave. You may feel a need or want to love her. But she knowingly did
this behind your back. Granted she could be comming clean to set
things straight. But you have to ask yourself will you be able to
forget and let go of what she did to you. If you can't let it go then
you will never be happy. If I knew in which state you lived I am sure
we could find someone close who will give her a lie detector test.
This would be the only way that I can think of that will let your
truly know. Your friends want you to talk to the guy, which in my
opinion is a bad idea. I think you need to put as much space in there
as you can. I would do a lie detector test to see if she is lying. And
if she is telling you the truth than maybe there is hope for you. Then
I would seek a marriage counsler.

Hi there,

I've had ups and downs in my relationships too. And I can tell you one
thing. You need to tell her everything that is on your mind. When you
write about the lie detector, I can tell you're mentally obsessed with
this. Not telling her your thoughts makes it worse, which is basically
why she told you about the affair in the first place. Think of it that
way, she has put all the burden on you. Instead of her being
miserable, now you are.

I think one question to her will suffice. You said she releaved things
to you little by little. Ask her to reveal everything now regardless
of all the consequences. And tell her what you did not appreciate. Let
her do the talking.

As long as none of you lose your temper, it'll be fine.

And my advise to you is, please dont leave her.

cheers

Okay Crossroads, you've asked and I'm telling. 

Your marriage has been sorely tested: but I'm still not clear why you
believe that you and your wife have not passed the test other than
your intolerance which is surprising given the candidness adn honesty
with which you write about your shortcomings.

She remained in your home which no doubt represented family and
security and companionship and love, yet it no longer had you in it,
despite a phonecall 'nearly' every day. So the situation eventuated
that someone appeared in her life and was able to fill an emotional
void. But she hasn't had a physical relationship with this guy, he
just talked to her and paid her attention and cared about her feelings
while you were absent. It's what most friends do.  So what?

Maybe he wanted more but she was not willing to betray you. She's been
extremely honest by admitting these feelings to you and yet you still
don't trust her. She obviously knows you very well and has told you as
much as she felt you could handle because, after this crisis, she
believes that this other guy doesn't measure up to you! What more does
she have to do? If might have been hard to go to a whole new place and
focus on a new job and be alone etc etc, but I reckon that it would
have been horrible to stay at home and try to sell up and cope with
that trauma all by herself. Maybe you needed reminded that you
shouldn't take her for granted.

As for listening in on conversations with this guy, that's rubbish.
Dump that no good friend who obviously does not care about you and
her. She's moved on. Don't insult her commitment to you by dragging
her and this guy back together to feed your ego.

And as for arranging a lie detector test, as someone commented, let me
just say this: I've been married for 26 years this year to the most
wonderful man in the world and we adore each other, we're soul mates,
etc, etc, (and yes, we've had our share of crises too -- but what
doesn't kill you makes you stronger is our philosophy) but if he ever
suggested to me that I should undergo a lie detector test for
absolutely anything at all that I had told him, he would need to have
that lie detector machine surgically extracted , if you get my
meaning.

Go and get some counselling and learn to trust someone who obviously
trusted you enough to tell you the truth. I am reminded of that scene
in some movie with Jack Nicholson yelling "You can't handle the
truth!" Prove Jack wrong, grow up and learn to treat your wife with
the respect she so obviously deserves.

Men love ye wifes.  According to the Bible. 


Love her. If you want her, keep her. Other wise quit kidding yourself. 

I've been with my woman for 11 years. Hard times happen. You keep on
going no matter what. If she cheats, in the eye of God you have to
pick to keep her or move on. He would rather you learn how to keep on.
Unless she's going to keep cheating. Then you should just move on.

Simple Awns:  Love your wife. Move on and quit worring about the here
and now. We have our whole lives to live. Whats a bad year or two! We
always have the future to look forward to.

Take care - God bless

FYI, i got with my wife when i was 16 and she was 15.  It's now 11 years later.

crossroads,

I have read everything here, I find it hard to believe no one has
suggested Marriage Counseling.  Stressedmum mentioned "counseling",
but that is not enough.
Regardless of what has happened, you and your wife have both exibited
extraordinary patience and love for each other.  You have a fantastic
relationship with your wife.  You can't see that right now, but you
do.  She confided in you when she could have lied, albiet by ommision.
 To reveal/confess   in stages is only natural.  She feared you would
leave her, and since she has decided to be with YOU, she was very
afraid.

I urge you to locate the best Marriage Counselor that your job can pay
for.  Work through this.  You won't be sorry.

~~Cynthia

PS: Forget the phone call idea, she should have NO FURTHER CONTACT. 
And a lie detector test is a bad idea too.

MARRIAGE COUNSELING.  Your marriage is worth saving.  You have already
made it past the crisis, ALONE!!  Your wife will likely be very open
to the idea of professional help.  Ask her.  Tell her you need help
working through what has happened, that you love her, and want to give
your future the best possible chance.

I suggest you "interview" Marriage Counselors.  Find one that you and
your wife like, that you can be open with.

This will work.

~~Cyn

I must respectfully disagree with my colleague about simply looking
for *a* marriage counselor whom you like. Rather, if you go that
route, I urge you to look for one who has a track record of SAVING
marriages, not of divorces. The sad truth is that most marriage
counselors are actually divorce counselors, and a very high percentage
of couples who engage in traditional marriage counseling nevertheless
end up in divorce court. Some studies and surveys put the overall
success rate of traditional marriage counseling at 25% or less.

So again, I'd urge you to check out the Marriage Builders website.
This site, and the approach it teaches, was pioneerd by Willard F.
Harley, Ph.D. who achieved an unbelievable success rate of over 90%
saved marriages as long ago as 1977. Check out his credentials here:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi2000_meet.html

This site is not just an online service, but is the site of Dr. Harley
and his established marriage counseling service, whose astonishing
success rate in saving marriages works  by the understanding and
application of some (at first) startling techniques and insights.
Those can be summed up by saying that they teach couples how to fall
in love, and *stay* in love.  Do that - and your marriage will
survive.

You can make an appointment for face to face counseling with these
people; you can take part in telephone counseling (which, by the way,
has a success rate equal to face-to-face counseling); you can use
their self-help materials, both online and printed; you can
participate in forums; you can receive personal assistance via email;
you can attend a marriage builders weekend. There is a huge variety of
ways for you to make use of their insights and their services, and if
you are committed, there is a very high likelihood that you can save
your marriage - and do so happily for both you and your wife. Here's a
further link to some information about infidelity specifically on the
Marriage Builders site:
http://marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

Again, I urge you not to overlook this incredible resource. How I wish
I'd known about these principles and techniques in my first marriage.
How grateful I am to have discovered them in my second.

Best wishes,
Byrd-ga

I can't add much to the generally great advice you have been given. 

Forget lie detectors, forget confrontation. Your wife didn't have any
intimate contact with this guy, and obviously didn't feel that she
wanted any, either. She needed friendship, someone to bare her soul
to. Why? Because you were wrapped up in yourself - no matter how good
your reasons were. The marriage still remained, but the friendship
wasn't there - to quote Dylan Thomas.

It can and will return, but it takes enormous trust. You need to be
both a husband and a friend. Let's be honest her, not many people can
still like someone they can't trust. You are halfway to getting over
this, and it takes time and hard work (I'm speaking from experience
here). This may take months, possibly years, but with a bit of the
right kind of help, you will get back there.

And again, speaking from experience, when you do get back that trust
and overcome the consuming jealousy - it is twice as good as it ever
was.

Good luck my friend. Don't look backwards

Can't add much to the comments but this one thing:  Time WILL heal all wounds.

If you love her and she loves you - then let time do it's work.  

I would figure the guilt she feels is enough punishment - 

Just a thought, your wife knew she was moving.  She decided to start
up a "safe" friendship that got out of hand.  Note that it lasted a
very short period of time, about the amount of time most relationship
burn out if there is nothing but physical attaction.  You and her have
more than that.

I know the pain and feeling you have right now. Its one of the worst
times of your life when you start having doubts on your love of life.
Many Evil thoughts may come in your mind. like: you are not good
enough for her, you can not keep her happy or you are a life failure
(loser).you might also think of the things which had been going behind
your back most of the day, at work, while watching TV, and even when
you are driving. But I suggest you take it easy, and believe in your
wife, since you know her from your high school. The biggest
accomplishment of your love between you and your wife is when she
talked to you about this rather then hiding it from you for ever. But
if you are still not satisfied, you can ask her to take a lie detector
test and ask about the relationship between her and the other guy. I
am sure your marriage will be saved.

Best of luck 
Harris.

good post. the world should be filled with more people like yourself. 
the fact that you've sought completely obscure, unobjective opinion on
a personal matter so close to you says alot about your intelligence. 
advise from those that tend to be close to you (your freind) most
usually are advantageous in some way.  the lie detector is a bad idea.
 it sets the tone that your insecure and wanting out.  or, if you want
out, it starts the ball rolling that it's over.
always be aware.  be prepared to back those actions up.  contemplate
the outcome of all scenerios (emotional, financial)and after you've
done that, act and feel satisfied with the decisons that YOU made. 
make the path you want in life, don't let the act make your life.  i
don't know anything about you but i am about the same age as you.  i
had a live in girlfreind i met in highschool, which i spent 5+ years
living with.  i came one day from work and she said she was leaving. 
she immediately moved to another state and married my best freind from
high school.  which didn't last.  i've since married (8 years now) and
it's a journey for sure.  If i were you i would take a weekend to the
shore, lake, valley (whatever is near you) alone and contemplate your
options, clear your head, and think hard.  because if what you've
typed is real, you're already lost this girl in your mind because you
feel cheated. but, in reality what has happened is nothing more than
human nature.  example, i love my wife more than any other person on
earth.  but i have met others that get my mind thinking "what if". 
and at second thought, "is this person going to tolerate my farting in
bed?".  like i said, i don't know you or your wife.  but your request
seems genuine.  i can tell you from my own experience there is nothing
better than speaking your mind and telling your partner what is on
your mind.  if she leaves then she leaves.  if true honesty prevails,
my bet is she will come clean and you will live happily ever after.

crossroads,

After exploring the Marriage Builders web site, I must agree with
byrd.  This looks like an incredible resource.  It's way beyond a web
site, it's a roadmap for Marital Health.  I urge you and ypour wife to
become involved in the principles and to utilize the tools available.

~~Cynthia

With all respect, I think that for ANY relationship, (family, friends,
co-workers, partner) there must be 3 basic and necessary elements in
order to achieve success. Honesty, respect and communication. Unless
you two go to therapy and/or counseling, I don't think you will ever
trust her again 100% nor that she will be 100% faithful to you.

Thank you all for your time and support. I am so glad that I?ve
decided to ask this question. I?ve read content of Marriage Builders
web site; it had given me chance to look at my problems as outside
person.
      There are 2 people inside of me, one is full of emotions, not
willing to compromise and who wants all or nothing in this life. To be
honest I feel like this 90% of a time. The other person tells me that
life, love, marriage isn?t perfect by default and it takes hard work
and concessions to make it work.
 	So many times I wish I could turn back the time and make sure it
wouldn?t have ever happen. But it did. I even think now, given the
circumstances around our relationship, it might have been unavoidable.
Prospect of being in only one relationship entire life would always
raise question ?What if?? I might not be thinking clearly at the
moment, though I think I am, but at least for now I feel I learned
number of very important lessons. For all of you who are in happy,
healthy relationship now, please don?t take it for granted, don?t let
it slip away.
	As for myself, I will try to rebuild my family. I won?t go with lie
detector test; neither will I make her call him. I will wait long
enough to make sure all that is a distant memory, and then I?ll reveal
her my feelings. I?ll make sure she is 100% confident that I am over
it, and she has nothing to loose by revealing the truth no matter what
it is. Even if my worst expectations are confirmed I?ll make honest
attempt to start over, and I?ll try never bringing that matter up
again. I have to confess, I won?t be able fully trust her again, but I
don?t think I?ll be able fully trust anyone now, not even to myself.
	Again, thank you all for your advice. I will try to correct mistakes
I made in a past, and build my life around present and future. Maybe
I?ll fail, loose my temper, do something stupid, but I?ll try doing my
best to avoid it. And for anyone who is interested
http://marriagebuilders.com/  has really great stuff to read about.

As a friend of mine told me long ago, when I was in a relationship
with a man who cheated on me: Either you trust him or you don't trust
him. In other words, if I wanted to keep the relationship, I would
need to trust him, since, without trust, there is NO relationship.

I believe if someone truly loves somebody, one truly loves the other
with all his or her heart. A mature human being (a person whose sense
of self has evolved and doesn't base his or her decisions on EGO) who
can give and receive love and has committed that love to only one
person is UNABLE to even conceive of a relationship with another
person. Sure, intesity in a twosome ebbs and flows, but it does not
cause yearnings of flight or fancy in healthy human beings. Also, in a
healthy, mature relationship, if something is not right, the
sensitivity of love will detect the discrepancy and set off an alarm
that should force one or the other to correct it.

Something in your relationship wasn't right. Your alarm was defective
and didn't wake you to it (you didn't know until she told you). She
was needy and gave into her weakness. The BOTH of were too
self-involved, too full of ego, to realize the existence of the other.
Hence, your relationship is based on immature love.

The BOTH of you need to make a decison: Either work together in order
to become mature individuals with healthy senses of ego,  who are
capable of mature love OR let each other go either to live without
real growth or to become mature individuals on your own.

Sir,
You need to ask yourself, What are your main priorities as far as your
marriage goes
1)What purpose would the whole truth serve in your future relations
with your wife. Would it be justifier or a healer.
2)What actually caused your wife to do what she did
2a)There would be circumstantial factors
2b)There would be emotional factors
2c)There would be a need for a change
2d)Dont forget men are testosterone driven mammals and women are
attention seekers, if you dont give the attention either they would
break up psycologically if the bond is emotionally very strong, adjust
or most probably get it from somewhere else
3)Why did she tell you all what she did, if you find the underlying
reason you would get satisfied with her answers.
4)The guys role was attention giver, he can never replace the time you
have invested with your spouse.
5)We as humans react the most to changes, if you take up a routine
that isnt very exciting and has attention deficiency and stretch it
long, bad results could be anticipated.
6)If you could forgive what she did and keep a hawks eye on her future
probationary period whilst making sure that you are doing what is
necessary to keep her interested in yourself than there is no need to
pursue chatting to the guy or lie detector, only if you want her to be
part of your life that bad.

Please understand from what not had been done that resulted in this

First, you need to start taking responsibility for your life and the
decisions that life forces you to make. The fact that you posted this
question leads me to believe that you're not accustomed to doing that.
I realize you're hurt and I sympathize, but take a look around. You're
not sure if what your wife did was a mistake?! Dating another
man(secretly)while her husband is away? You're not sure?! Do you
expect no more loyalty from your wife than this? If not, I suspect
your marriage was in trouble long ago. Regardless of what she told
you, understand this:
She told you this for her own benefit, not yours.
She probably slept with him. She's just dropping it on you piece by piece.
She didn't decide to end it, he did. If he hadn't, you wouldn't be
married right now.
One thing is guaranteed. This will never stop gnawing at you. You may
think now that it will, but it won't. I believe your marriage is
broken beyond repair and cannot be salvaged. Think about this: How
much does your wife really respect you? That answer is obvious. How
much respect do you deserve?
I think a counselor of any sort is a waste of time. Like some on this
forum,  (s)he'll probably try to convince you that you share some
blame in this. That is nonsense. Maybe you weren't perfect, maybe you
didn't buy enough flowers. If your wife wasn't happy, she had an
obligation to bring this to your attention and open a dialogue. That
is how problems are solved.

Some of what I've had to offer might be hard for you to hear, but I'm
quite sincere. You need to be a man and take control of your own life.
Don't ever let anyone treat you so poorly.

I wish you luck, my friend.

As a marriage and family therapist I can only offer advice on this
matter. Don't call the guy on the phone and ask questions, you'll just
drive yourself crazy. Think back about how you felt when you were
courting your wife. Remember how you felt! You must now, court her
again. There are no time machines to go back and change things. Move
forward. I tell all couple who see me that they have five choices
separation, divorce, murder, suicide, or a creative alternative.
Strive for the latter, as the others require a lawyer. When you were
separated she tried to fill the gap with someone else and failed. She
wants you to fill the gap. Now get to work!

See what I mean? Get to work. You need to fill the gap.In
psychobabble, this translates to: "If you hadn't created a gap, this
never would have happened." and "this is your fault." I guess it's
your sole responsibility to fix the marriage that your wife destroyed.
People who have paid for this type of advice need to get their money back.

Dear crossroads,

I have read your story, and in a way it reminds me a similar
experience I had way back ago. I?ve been in a relationship for 14
years, the last two years of which I've spent trying to rebuild family
after my spouse?s affair. I can tell from your words that you are
doing all right, and hopefully you will succeed where others,
including myself have failed ? in restoring the trust between two of
you. Without it as time will pass by, you will find yourself
increasingly lonely, unsecured, and ultimately, unsatisfied with the
state of your relationship.
	As radical as it sounds, "luciustave-ga" has a valid point. Though
you BOTH are responsible for circumstances that led to unfortunate
event in your life, YOUR wife is the one who took a direct action, she
is the person who actually CROSSED the line. If you take an overly
soft position right now, she might think that she can get away with
similar things in a future, though most likely right now she is
sincerely believes that she will never be in position to do it again.
And she won?t be completely honest unless she knows that you have an
option to find out the truth. If I understood the state of your
affairs right, she knows that you already asked her be completely
honest with you number of times, and after each failure to do so,
you?ve been hurt, but chose not to take a decisive action.
	It might hurt a bit, but please, give yourself a favor, and do following:
1.	Ask her to write a very descriptive, detailed letter, recounting
all aspects of her relationship with that guy. Let her have her time,
it might take few days, be patient; the more inclusive the letter will
be ? the better. Ask her not to throw away scratch copies; they will
be just as helpful as a letter itself.
2.	Change the phone number, replace cell phones, and permanently
change e-mail addresses. Order detailed phone bills, open joint
account and transfer all the money into it. If she chooses not to be
honest, there is no way for you to find out, but at least she will
know that you are serious about being completely open, at least for
some time.
3.	Have her agreed in principle that if you are not 100% confident
that she is fully open with you, that you both would be ready to take
a polygraph test.  I don?t think it will be needed, yet if you really
have some doubts do not afraid to defend you rights to know the truth
4.	If somehow one day you?ll find out that she lied to you again, or
told you the half truth, be calm, give yourself a favor ? leave her;
otherwise, you will be miserable for the rest of your life
5.	If she does tell you the truth, no matter how painful it might be,
be true to your word, move over the past and begin rebuilding your
marriage again. In fact, you both might become happier than you have
ever been.
6.	She probably will ask you to do the same things, or other stuff
that might sound ridiculous, do not argue ? do everything as she asks,
as long as its not interfering with things I described above.

As you already found out, life is full pleasant and sometimes
unpleasant surprises. Do not be afraid to go through it, regardless of
what will happen to your marriage, you will realize one day, that you
were sleeping right till that very moment your wife confessed to you,
and from that point on you woke up and choose to be happy ?

Good luck, my friend

To start with, you have shared a point of view, which is yours, a
perception which you think is right while it may just be another way
of looking at it. I respect your point of view. I think you have the
elegance to see radical diversity in situations, that also means you
should be smart enough to not only accept another point of view but
also respect a professional opinion, even when not agreed to. Never
impose your point of view on a situation when trying to be pragmatic,
as the situation may have enough sides as enough as perceptions to
look at it. Always have a third party point of view.
Now let me explain what 
quote "As a marriage and family therapist I can only offer advice on this
matter."
He is introducing the weight of his experience while also clearly
indicating that this is just an "advice" (an option that can be added
to choices of possible other options to consider while doing what is
suppose to be done)
From the start if you choose to belive what he says about his
profession then you should thoroughly/critically and seriously see the
context of the advice knowing that it may have more experience and
professional time invested in it.

quote "Don't call the guy on the phone and ask questions, you'll just
drive yourself crazy"
What the therapist has written here as an answer was after reading
what the author of the question had written, clearly indicating his
state of mind, his confusion, his possible motives and his intentions
of his relations with his woman, The author also wrote about the
history of the relation, the strong bonding before this. So when the
therapist had this information at hand, There were only two possible
options to choose from for this particular motive of the author of the
question
1)Call the guy - can never help if you want the situation to be
amended (if you need more info why, please ask for details and I will
explain the probablities)
2)Dont call the guy - the best action

Then the therapist adds
quote"Think back about how you felt when you were
courting your wife. Remember how you felt! You must now, court her
again."
Here is a classic example of using those feelings that were the basis
of the relation to start with and usin them to inspire positive
results or atleast positive route making towards a sensible and
pleasant result, even if it is not the best desired. It also adds hope
to the scenario and clearly depicts a womans genetic need to be
attented to regardless of situations and a mans role in the
evolutionary filtered socio-neuro-hormonal bondings. The therapist
doesnt mean to give the impression that there was no fault of the
woman involved, he instead potrays the role of the male to "fix" the
damaged situation if desired and telling about the best way to get
about it.

quote"There are no time machines to go back and change things.Move forward."
Though I disagree with the therapist here as this is not an absolute
truth, as we dont know whether whats gone isnt being stored in a
multidimensional environment in a way we havent comprehended yet, but
then again he is right as this is no starwars or philosophical
contest. You just yet cant undo what has happened. and this statement
serves many purposes. It not only contents one by saying, hey whats
done is done, cant change that, so why fuss,its fine to experience
emotions but learn from it to apply the improvisations in the
future,It also gives hope that yes, the worst part is gone, now only
things can get better.
quote"I tell all couple who see me that they have five choices
separation, divorce, murder, suicide, or a creative alternative.
Strive for the latter, as the others require a lawyer"
Here he says, in a couple in trouble scenario, five possible and
logical options, and I think he is spot on what he (if you are a she
please forgive, i am not a sexist, its just a subcounciously preferred
way to address as far as i am concerned) says here (ask me to break
those choices down if cant understand, i am a loving father and have a
toddler to attend to so making it quick)
quote"Strive for the latter, as the others require a lawyer"
a bread and butter advice whilst also encouraging a different approach
to conflicts which usually is positive and productive.
quote"When you were
separated she tried to fill the gap with someone else and failed. She
wants you to fill the gap. Now get to work!"
No matter how much sugar coated reality you get about relationships,
it always boils down to behaviour, psycology and instinctive
reactions, males have few geneticosocial instinctive actions and so do
women and so do most living things. I am now not criticizing anyone,
but men if dont feel the need to be sexually attracted to other women
than their partner then either they are low on testosterone or have
very active frontal cortex or a mixture of both. And women as I said
before, are attention and emotional seekers, not that they are not
horny but their acute and chronic preferences are different than men,
so the role of male being a partner retainer is likely to be true in
most scenarios, and this doesnt have anything to do with love. This is
what we are as humans. The therapist may have been giving the
impression here of total innocence of the female when just reading the
sentence in its own context, but what he really means is this
The woman was emotionally weak and her bond was not that strong with
the husband to resist the time of seperation and not seeking attention
elsewhere. The usual cause of this female behaviour is, and I know
most ppl would agree, the lack of excitement and seldom response of
affection from the male partner. Men know when they are fedup of
seeing one face day in and day out and are really get indulged day in
and out in work and other stuff, that most of us take our females for
granted over 3 years plus in the marriage, men who balance this are
far more likely to not interact with cheating from their wives. So by
getting down to work is meant here to make the changes necessary to be
the MAN around specially when one wants to get things in the positive
direction.
As far as, would she do it again
1)Not if she is mature and values her relations with her husbans after this turmoil
2)She would if things get stagnant again in few years as she already
has tasted the blood.
3)She would never, if you understood her psycology and did
appropriately, this is not manipulation, this is adjusting to another
perception for the good of it.
Thanks, if I have left something out, tough luck, gotta go

My comments were focused on clearing luciustave's harsh wording
towards the Therapist and not towards Stevemic64, I guess when i was
adding comments, Steve already had posted his. wish everyone can be as
happy and shining as this beautiful morning, Its great to be
mysterious, its inconvenient to be complicated. Thanks

Have you ever heard the Paul Simon's song "50 ways to leave your lover" ? 
JUst slip out the back jack, make a new plan stan, you dont need to be
coy,roy just get yourself free
hop on the bus gus, you dont need to discuss much. Just drop off the
key lee and get yourself free.
Ok, seriously, if you stay with her she knows shes got you..... when
she does it again!

Thank you so much, pureanalysis, for your comments. I can think of no
way to better illustrate my point.(At least not in the current
dimensional environment I find myself)

crossroads, I realize my tone is blunt, but my intent is not to be
insensitive. I'm trying to give you a verbal slap in the face, so to
speak, so you might see what's in front of you more clearly, not
clouded by emotions. You have some choices to make. No one is better
equipped to do that than you. This is your life. It is my advice that
you not rely on your wife or a "professional" therapist to help you
deal with this.
There exists a double standard (at least in this country) when it
comes to infidelity. If a man has an affair because his sexual needs
are not being met at home, we (as a society) call him thoughtless and
selfish(rightly so). If a woman has an affair because her emotional
needs are not being met at home, we call her HUSBAND thoughtless and
selfish. I'm convinced, as we've already seen, that any "professional"
advice you seek will be colored with this type of thinking.
I'm no drug store psychologist, I'm not going to assault you with talk
of socio-neuro-hormonal bonding, I'm also not going to pat you on the
shoulder and tell you that everything can work out fine if you just
work a little harder.
Sad as it is, sometimes spouses betray one another and often there is
no way to fix it. My hope is that whatever choices you make, you have
gained something from what I've had to offer. Finding happiness in
marriage or anything else is not by happenstance, it's most often a
result of choices that you make. Choosing to remove destructive
elements from your life is a step towards happiness.

Good Luck

As Paul McCartney so eloquently sang it:

"Baby, I'm amazed"...

And I AM amazed at all the "commenters" here..

Just 2  researchers, Byrd and Cynthia, and yet the posts are so very
clear and caring...

Oh yuck...its my sucky thing coming out again..:(

Steph53

I couldn?t resist temptation to talk to my wife. Few days ago I told
her about my thoughts and feelings. We talked for hours. I feel that I
trust her now more than anytime since she told me about affair. Yet
this time she revealed me that they kissed, and that she broke a
promise not to contact him ever again by calling him once, about a
month after she confessed to me, to tell him that she told me
everything and that she won?t ever call him again.   She sounded very
sincere this time, and I am confident that she loves me and she is
scared that I might walk away. I tried to be as calm, as supportive as
possible, and look as someone who has completely moved on. For a
moment I even convinced myself that it is the case. We are very close
now, we are trying to improve things, but somehow I don?t feel
completely relieved. I feel I can?t think straight anymore. Right now,
I am considering showing this forum to her. Please, advise me if it
will help.

I completely agree with Steph53.
Thank you all!

The best thing you can do is turn your back and walk away. your wife
didnt seek counselling before she had an affair and why should you in
turn feel guilty for shutting her out.There is an old saying "hurt me
once its your fault,hurt me twice its mine". Once a cheater always a
cheater.

good luck

My Friend,
I do not know about your faith. BUT have you tried prayer. God changes
situations. If you need prayer feel free to say so here.
http://www.torchbearers-for-christ.org 
God keep you and your marriage.

CM

Dear Crossroads,

Saw your latest post, following your discussion with your wife. I
don't recommend your showing her this forum, as I don't feel it serves
any particular purpose.

You are erudite enough to explain your position to your wife, and I
feel that this is an experience that has brought home to you both the
value of your relationships with each other. Being honest with each
other has also made you stronger, and you don't need the advice of
others to move forwards from there. Honesty, communications and
sincerity are major factors in any relationship.

So your wife has proved that she has the human frailties of
temptation, at least she was honest. For your part, you ahve to learn
to let go of the past and move on. Oscar Wilde said "the err is human,
to forgive is divine". If you love your wife half as much as you say
you do, then you will put the matter behind you.

I can only say that your wife's honesty has a tremendous value, for
she said what she knew you would hate her for, and in doing so, showed
herself to be honest and consciencious.

As for people saying "give her a lie detector" and "make her phone the
other guy", I can think of nothing more calculated than that to end
any relationship.

Swallow the bitter pill, your pride, and get on with your lives. No,
I'm not being mushy and I'm also not pretending to be analytical, I'm
just being practical

Good luck

Let the past be past. Live in the moment. And everything will be fine. Cheer up.

If my wife does something like this to me: 1) I'd not blame myself but
would know that she no longer feels the same she felt before (though I
would also ask her if she really thinks she loved me) and 2) I would
do (or tell her I did) the same to her not for revenge but to just see
her reaction and attitude towards this although it might break your
relations but then you will know for sure that she doesn't love you
anymore and it is easy for her to leave you.
Moreover you do not have children. 
I have lived with my wife for 7 years already we also had very bad
times or regret and good times of happiness (see I used happines at
the end, casue now it alright) but never I had to worry about she
cheated on me.
I hea every now and then that American girls/women become more and
more independant and demand more from men, well, it also happens to
Ukrainian girls too and Russian girls and others in the whole world
too but ot much less extent then in America. I hope this is not the
case with you? Anyway you cannot .ive with the past which is unsolved
- always talk - the greatest gift from God to solve the problem - do
not leave things undiscussed. BE brave to tell what you think and if
she doesn't understand you then she doesn't want to do so and this
means she doesn't feel you and love you. Romance is great in the
beginning but later family life brings you many tests.

Time to make a REAL decision. 

In the final analysis, you already know the conditions you want for
the remainder of your life; you already know the success factors
needed in order to create those conditions. You need to make a REAL
decision to love/trust again  with full knowledge that there's a ton
of info you don't know and that you don't control her daily actions.

Crossroads, Give yourself a very clear and tangible trigger on when to
distrust, otherwise, ignore, distract/numb yourself, and or trust for
the sake of your sanity.

Most importantly... Invest in yourself- WORK OUT, STUDY, SLEEP, EAT
WELL, DO GOOD TO OTHERS, and SEEK GOD. The more you like yourself, the
less these negative items will affect you.

BTW. There's a ton of caring folks in this thread...you all deserve a high-5!

A while back, I found myself emotionally head over heels toward
someone I worked with. It drove me crazy for 6 months. I was a wreck,
because I honestly thought I was in love with 2 people.  I wasn't
looking for this.  I am very happily married. I finally told the other
person about this attraction.  He was kind and asked what I wanted to
hear from him. At that moment, I knew I didn't want any kind of
response.  I had the whole package at home.  It was weird because this
man wasn't even my type. I knew he was a workaholic and that he had no
room in his life for another person.  I can't explain how it started,
but in the car on my way home from our meeting, I knew it was finally
over.  I no longer judge others who find themselves in this type of
situation. Your wife sounds like me. The emotion really was outside of
her control. Many people are not strong enough to avoid the
temptation.  In my case I had no intention of destroying a long and
satisfying relationship, but I had to clear this emotional anxst. Your
wife was doing that by trusting you, her real love, to understand and
help her to work through it. You shouldn't feel betrayed. You should
feel comforted in the knowledge that it really is you she loves.  Call
it a midlife crisis, maybe it's the devil tempting us to betray our
inner selves.  I don't know but I beleive in real love and trust is
the main ingredient in my relationship. Without it, we are nothing. 
We have now been together 18 years.  By the way, I still work for the
same company and this fellow is nothing but a co-worker. To his credit
he never let it alter what was a good working relationship and
friendship.