<This is not my question this is just some info about what happened
before so you can get a better idea on how to answer this. ?
								-Thanks

I?m not looking for an answer since I don?t believe in them I?m just
looking for advice from as many people as possible and a knowledgeable
response from a researcher.
I met this wonderful, innocent, beautiful girl that worked at a coffee
shop next to the movie theater. I was extremely intoxicated and
invited to watch the matrix 2 with my roommate?s dad who was visiting
from over seas?. I walked by the shop and had a very awkward feeling
towards her I don?t remember what I did or said to her ? remember I
was extremely intoxicated and my roommate?s dad wanted to see a movie
and borrow my car and I figured I didn?t want him driving around
without me ? Three days later she calls me up I didn?t remember I even
spoke to her she told me the whole story how stupid and clumsy I was
(tripping) around and how I walked over to her store knocked on her
door while she was closing the store and asked for a cup of water then
talked to her for over 3 hours then handed her my phone number and we
talked and talked on the phone for hours then I discovered she had a
boyfriend of a year and a half who lived with her at her mothers house
and how he?s extremely abusive. After some advice we got off the phone
With a big wow on my face I wish to add at the time I was addicted to
(Dextromethorphan Hbr) I was completely lost for a full year of my
life I guess it was going through a very bad case of self
destructiveness and I got to a point where I was doing that to
understand my mind better. But anyway that?s a whole different story
altogether. So a few days later she got back on the phone and advised
that she broke up with her boyfriend and naturally my being a ?GUY? I
went right over to her work talked a little then I met the boyfriend I
spoke to him like I was trying to get the 2 of them back together?
<Just a simple trick I?ve learned to calm down somebody?s boyfriend>
Remember at that time I had no intentions to have a long lasting
relationship It was just so far from my reality I was so un-trusting
to women due to previous experiences lets not go there . So I told her
from the start that what happens between her and me is not permanent
and will not last more than 2 weeks I think I was just afraid I might
fall again but heck?. It took me 6 month?s to actually believe that
there is actually something there and I started seeing it the way I
should have but during the first 6 month?s I was still dating all my
other girlfriends and looking for more ?  My reality was badly
altered?.
During this time I lost and gained girlfriend after another but she
was the only one I was afraid to loose was her and only her but at the
same time I was doing the only things that would damage a relationship
It was almost like me testing for her loyalty and how far she would go
to stay with me I was just hurt too much before is why I did that I
guess I do know it was wrong but it was hard for me to believe that
there was a person that really wanted to be with me through the bad
and the good and she did cling on like I was the best thing that has
ever happened to her and trust me I know how to get a girl to leave me
I?ve done it all my life?. But she really really desperately wanted to
be with me?no matter what and she took care of me through everything.
I was at a lost point of my life and she got me out of it I gave up on
my ways and just decided to settle down I stopped taking my poison and
apologized to all the girls I?ve dated they accepted my apology now
during this whole time she was extremely jealous and paranoid and
EXTREMELY EMOTIONAL I had to baker act her 3 times during that period
of the relationship due to her emotional breakdowns but right after
she comes back and thanks me. Made me feel like I?ve helped which made
me want to hang on to her. After about 8 month?s of this we became
pretty close now remember she was close to me since the beginning but
I didn?t feel or believe it until the 6 month?s were over ?
She moved with me by the end of the 6-month?s I was living with 2 of
my closest childhood buddies we all became real close real fast I
trusted the 2 of them with my life so I felt no threat whatsoever ?
It got to a point where we had to get our own place. We rented an old
Mexican house by the beach with a nice sunset and a beautiful jungle
type environment surrounding the house It was beautiful.
She got to a point where she wanted to go back to school I told her
that I did too she got upset that she couldn?t get financial aid and
it got worse when she found out that I got 100% paid schooling so I
didn?t want to start without her since she started this back to school
thing So I waited and waited till she started then she dropped her
hours at work which bothered me since then I had to work more to pay
for everything? It upset me so I got on a I?M NOT GOING BACK TO SCHOOL
BECAUSE OF YOU!? attitude it pretty much bothered me that when I had
the chance to go to school instead of her pushing me to do it she was
being selfish. So she started going to school and work everyday either
way when she started all this she also made us both leave this place
and move 20 miles away closer to her school and work since she?s doing
both at that point to me it was still the same distance from my work
which was either way 1 hour away So technically I did not mind but
this is where the bothersome part hits me. We started looking for
roommates since both our credit?s bad we couldn?t get our own place
and we were looking for something roomier we found a roommate
beautiful apartment by a lake 2 bedrooms and he?s about my age does my
type of work computers and loves games like I do me and him share a
lot we moved in on Jan this year thinking I found a cool friend that
shared a lot with me but little did I know that he fell head over
heels for my girl?here?s what?s happened so far ?.

My girlfriend and roommate seemed to be getting too close, I began to
notice this 3 days after we moved in we sat down to watch lord of the
rings my girl was laying on my lap and her feet were latterly under
his butt? he has a girlfriend of 3 month?s not very attractive and a
total B$#%h if you ask me but he seemed like he?d ditch her to hang
out with us he?s obviously interested in my girl and she's just
letting him sweet talk her. When I'm not around Sunday (work) they go
out to the mall and drink shakes and chill  etc. They seemed to click
... anyways I started researching a bit and paying close attention to
things then I brought everything out to the table in front of the both
of them she cried he grinned and denied his alternate intentions I
didn?t care its her I care about and how she actually feels about this
and why she's letting it slide and hidden from me 11 days after we
moved It was my birthday I get home and boom they had a party for me
it was just her and him but heck I like parties no cake but heck
balloons where everywhere she brought me the presents she bought me a
couple of T-shirts one of them being a NINTENDO T-shirt?. I HATE
NINTENDO?I was wondering why she bought that shirt then I thought
about it and the roommate loves NINTENDO I got upset then we went to
the porch when it was time to go to bed I was about to apologize to
her and I said ?I want to talk to you about something?, then she said
? Is it ?about?.this??? and she held up her cell phone I looked at her
gave her a weird face and grabbed the cell looked through it found 11
text messages from him I was about to look through one of them then
she grabbed the cell from me while I was asking her what those were
then she deleted all the msg?s ? then we had a big argument about why
she deleted the msg?s she said its due to the way I acted about it
(She said it was the roommate asking if she wanted him to set up the
balloons and stuff since she?s gonna be at work) I agreed I mean she
did show them to me but only because she felt guilty about them and I
asked such an open ended question. So I spent the whole night trying
to get into her cell acct online and turned out that she was right it
was him sending the first message but she was lied about it being 11
messages I reverse engineered her into admitting everything after
finding 44 txt messages on her phone and told her my friend is a
supervisor at T-mobile and he can tell me what those messages said she
admitted that he was asking her about my birthday party, how he's
decorating since she's at work and it was going to be a surprise then
he said "I think I'm falling for you and I am beginning to like you "
then she did not reply due to the shock then he said "I AM SOOO SORRY
I DIDNT MEAN TO SAY THAT and apologized... then she said "Don?t worry
just don?t do it again I will delete this msg and nobody has to know
as long as it was never done again..." I got really calm and
smiled.... then admitted to her that I knew and didn?t care I just
wanted to hear it from her and I want her to be very truthful to
me.... He made her feel comfortable by forcing her into a (secret)
that she supposedly didn?t want to know and using that to separate us
since to her now I'm somebody that cannot be trusted with what she
knows and him being a person she shares a secret with.... so now I
know about his secret and also just a few days later after I
confronted the both of them he left her a note on the door right after
I left she will show me it when I get home from work that note said at
the end of it "Please DESTROY, BURN after reading" It was basically a
letter of apology telling her that he?s sorry this happened he really
likes her and what they talked about that it was true how they clicked
and shared so much and how he understands why I?m acting like that
since he?d do the same thing if he was me?. Then he said since he cant
force her to leave me he has to pass off any feelings they shared etc?
I held on to the letter and made her lie to him about her giving it to
me and to tell him she dumped it ? a week or so pass and I noticed him
calling her phone when I reviewed the call records then he denied it I
showed him the letter and he laughed I told him that we will be
looking for another place if this didn?t stop he said okay. I thought
it was over but just recently my jealousy was killing me I was up late
hours of the night going through call records trying to prove that she
initiated something between them but no luck its all him him him so I
do know she?s not initiate anything its him flirting and her allowing
it I really don?t mind that I learned to accept the fact that
something like that if my girl is that amazingly beautiful and sweet.
A few days pass with everything going like it should but I still felt
lied to but I did not show that?
2 Sundays ago remember I work on Sundays and the 2 of them don?t we
spent the whole day text messaging each other and she was telling me
how she?s cleaning the house I was like wow she hasn?t done that for a
while (Don?t think I?m a pig we actually share chores I?ve been doing
mine and most of hers cleaning the room was hers ?) she said she was
doing some of my chores too I was stunned ?. I felt compelled to do
something special for her tonight I sent her a message saying ?Please
make sure you finish your homework I want to take you somewhere
tonight? so we talked and talked all day while she was cleaning and
doing her homework then at 3 she stopped talking that?s 3 hours before
I come home I messaged and messaged no answers? I got worried then she
answered with Sorry sweetie I went to take a shower I said oh okay ?
(Weird she doesn?t take showers that soon before I get there But I
guess she wants to smell good for me) we talked for a little more then
she disappeared again at 4:00. That?s when I really freaked out but
then I figured she fell asleep And I let it go 6:00 came still no word
from her I called and got no answer Ideas started racing in my head ?
(She?s home and the roommate is also off Sunday maybe they went out
but they both said they wont go and she promised she wont go out with
him on Sunday anymore since it bothered me she agreed and as a matter
of fact he agreed too) Half way home 6:30 she called I asked her
what?s up guessing she fell asleep or something but she said ?Oh I
just came back from playing tennis ? Ummm okay ? With the roommate?
Yeah ? But didn?t he only have 1 racket? ? Yeah he bought another so
we could play? I got upset? But I ignored it I didn?t want to mess up
the sweet plan for the night I had for her So I skipped on getting
home soon and went and bought her a hammock, a wine bottle some
walnuts and a nutcracker took her to a lake I found on map-quest in
the of nowhere when we got there we had a horrible time discussing
what happened she told me that he made her go and she forgot the cell
at home and she went since she was bored I said okay ? but why take a
shower before going to play tennis ? We have 3 doors in our room, our
room door, our bathroom door and our shower door. She said that she
closed the shower door while showering and heard him shout, ? ?If I
didn?t know any better I would have thought you were giving a free
show? Then she told me that a few weeks ago when she slept on the
couch after a fight we had. She said that half way though the night I
usually get up and carry her to bed but I was really tired so I slept
in the bed ?. HER :?I woke up from a weird dream I dreamt that he was
kissing my face while I was sleeping, then I woke up and saw him
walking away I called his name and he came over and said I was
checking if your sleeping do you wanna sleep in my bed?? THAT PISSED
ME OFF!!! Then she said that through out the day he kept giving her
sexual comments? I got home and sent him an email asking him to come
see me. He came by and I asked him what happened today .. then I
started a feud between them she was getting really upset since he was
making her look like she started everything and he got out of it clean
And she did too but they kind of seem like they don?t trust each other
that?s cool with me I mean she?s doing what she should have done from
the start and not give this guy that much trust but whatever ? Were
both seeing a relationship counselor But this sure is taking a lot of
time to resolve being it a 2 year relationship.. What I am asking is
as follows:
A professionals point of view on why were so attached to each other,
why we cant leave each other and why she doesn?t respect me and why do
I care so much now that I am risk loosing her?

---

Request for Question Clarification by pinkfreud-ga on 17 Mar 2005 14:36 PST

I'm a bit confused. You begin by saying "This is not my question..."

If this isn't your question, what is?

---

Clarification of Question by intgrp01-ga on 17 Mar 2005 18:39 PST

If you read what I typed you'd see at the end the following

What I am asking is
as follows:
A professionals point of view on why were so attached to each other,
why we cant leave each other and why she doesn?t respect me and why do
I care so much now that I am risk loosing her?

Dear intgrp01,

I am not a therapist, but I am knowledgeable in matters of the heart
and I am pleased to offer you my point of view.

Your first question is why you and your girlfriend are so attached to
each other. Part of the reason is habituation. After sharing your lives
for two years, it has become very difficult for each of you to imagine
an existence without the other. Despite the difficulties you have
experienced, you have learned how to accommodate each other, to sense
what the other is feeling, to read gestures and interpret looks. Indeed,
it says a great deal for your character -- both yours and hers -- that
you have stayed together through such vagaries as you describe. An
attraction that endures through misadventures with substance abuse,
career changes, domestic displacement, and an interfering third party
is a powerful one indeed.

As to what is responsible for this attraction, we must look to primal
causes as well as the mechanism of codependency. What set off the
romance between you two is the simple fact that you appeal to each other
aesthetically and physically. What sustained it in the initial stages is
the fortuitous meshing of personalities. You interest her and amuse her,
and she beguiles you. You can talk to each other for hours on end, which
means that your minds function on a similar wavelength. You speak the same
language and share the same sense of humor. These factors are necessary
but not sufficient for an enduring relationship. Much art and literature
has been devoted to the mutual destruction that can result from a passion
that knows no limits. I am not saying that this is the case here. On the
contrary, I deduce from the evidence that it is not. I am merely pointing
out that the forces responsible for establishing and maintaining a torrid
romance are also often the ones that lead to its demise.

The fundamental reason why your lives are now so intimately entwined
is that you have grown to depend on each other. Like a pair of wounded
soldiers leaning against each other for support, neither can let go
without causing both to collapse. Her virtues compensate for your flaws,
and your strengths complement her weaknesses.  Where you are analytical,
she is sentimental. Where you are judgmental, she is forgiving. Each of
you has come to feel that your lives have so far improved in the company
of each other that to part now would be a devastating setback. The sense
that you cannot function properly without her is an unmistakable sign
of the codependent relationship.

You next ask why you can't leave each other, and a good part of the
answer is evident in the reasons for your mutual attraction. But beyond
the sense of despondency that looms when you contemplate a break-up,
there is a positive urge to preserve what you have made so far and to
build it into something better. The flip side of dissatisfaction is
the urge to improve. You feel, by your own admission, that you have
bettered your character in the course of this relationship and that
you can make further progress in future. You must sense that you have
bettered yourself not only by an effort of your own will, but that your
betterment has been made possible by the relationship itself.

A romantic school of thought says that there is an ideal creature
who is destined to make one happy for life. My own experience and my
literary studies lead me to believe that this is not true. It seems less
likely that one has a single perfect match than that one is presented
with a narrow range of attractive choices. Given a sufficiently strong
commitment, one can form a permanent and pleasing bond with anyone in this
range. I believe, from what you have recounted of your history with your
girlfriend, that you have made a strong effort over the past two years,
in the face of your regrettable impulses and personal failings, to make
a lasting union. Although your insistence on sticking with her may be
construed by cynics as a neurotic symptom, as a naked fear of solitude,
I see it as an affirmative if somewhat calculating choice. What I hear
you saying is that you would rather figure out what is wrong and strive
to mend the relationship than abandon it altogether. If you do find this
motivation within yourself, I can only encourage it.

The dark side of the bargain is that falling in love can form a bond so
tight that each party will endure a prolonged low-level conflict -- an
emotional guerrilla warfare -- rather than risk the nuclear holocaust
of a complete rupture. Even though you deserve ample praise for the
improvements you have made in your character, the fact is that you are
not the only one who molds your personality. Your girlfriend, by her
attentions and words, has altered your being. As part author of your
current personality, she has in a very real sense become a part of you,
and you have become a part of her. To break apart, then, is to lose not
only your girlfriend but to lose part of yourself.

You wonder why she doesn't respect you, but your testimony gives me
no reason to conclude that she doesn't. In every instance you have
mentioned, save the episode of the Nintendo t-shirt, the scheming party
was not your girlfriend but the reptilian roommate. As for the Nintendo
business, I see exactly why it struck a sour note, but it seems more
likely to have arisen from coincidence or from a misunderstanding than
to betoken a blatant insult on your girlfriend's part. Everywhere else,
your roommate's fingerprints are all over the scene. He is the one who
initiated the awkward three's-company birthday party and sent a flurry
of text messages to her phone. He burdened her with the ugly secret
which, you are quite right to point out, enmeshed her in a conspiracy
of silence. He is the one leaving creepy notes, inviting her for tennis
at inopportune moments, and making salacious jokes through the bathroom
door. There is even the possibility that he made a physical advance on
her while she slept, which, apart from being ungentlemanly, would be a
criminal act.

Everything you have related shows that the agent of subterfuge is the
roommate, while your girlfriend is the one revealing it. This chap is
putting her in a very difficult position. She knows very well that by
informing you of these unpleasant developments, she risks setting you
off in jealous fits. By hiding them, on the other hand, she is almost
acquiescing in his misdeeds, making it appear as though she had something
to hide even if she has been perfectly faithful to you. Although you do
not say so explicitly, I infer that you are learning from your girlfriend
of the rommate's encroachments in fits and starts. Her hesitation shows
what a difficult position she is in and implies that she is pleading
with you to solve the problem. This means, in short, putting the roommate
out of the picture. Either he must leave the apartment, or you and your
girlfriend must depart.

I agree that you risk losing her, but not because you care too much. It
appears to me that you have cared too little, or at least not acted
in a way commensurate with your caring. Sitting up all night digging
through your girlfriend's phone records is not a caring act but an
obsessive one. The thoughtful and loving thing to do, in my opinion,
is to perceive that the roommate is putting your girlfriend in a very
difficult position and to concede that you have failed her by not removing
her from that position. It is not enough to issue warnings and threats
to your roommate. By persisting in his advances, he has shown himself
to be a cad, and you really can't expect that to change. Nor should you
confuse your personal compatibility with the guy as a mitigating factor.

There is a good reason why married couples move away from their parents
and roommates. There can be no room in a decent household for a competing
suitor. There should be only one alpha male, and that should be you. I
realize that you have an economic incentive to share your living quarters
with someone else, but I advise you to steer clear of assertive males
your own age. It shouldn't be very much trouble to find a roommate
who is significantly younger or older than you two, or wrapped up in
a relationship of his own, or simply so introverted that he poses no
threat. If you are considering female roommates, do yourself a favor
and steer clear of girls you find even moderately attractive. The best
way to resist temptation is to put it out of reach.

It has been an interesting challenge to address this question on your
behalf. I do hope you find the strength and personal resources to mend
your relationship.

Regards,

leapinglizard

---

Request for Answer Clarification by intgrp01-ga on 22 Mar 2005 08:28 PST

Before I rate your answer I wish to thank you for your time and I wish
to notify you that Your answer was exactly what I was looking for
Thank you so much but would you help me with one more thing...
Where can I get info about communication websites with documents, help
files and information that could help us communicate better...  
thanks

---

Clarification of Answer by leapinglizard-ga on 22 Mar 2005 10:02 PST

I've found a number of individual articles that may be helpful to you
in communicating about various matters.


Here is some advice on talking about relationship problems.

RomanceClass: How to Talk about Issues
http://www.romanceclass.com/miscr/howto/hardtalk.asp


From the same site, an article on reading body language.

RomanceClass: How to Read Body Language
http://www.romanceclass.com/miscr/howto/bodylanguage.asp


The following are a pair of articles that don't address the topic of
communication directly but do relate, I think, to your situation.

ReachOut: Maintaining a happy relationship
http://www.reachout.com.au/default.asp?ti=297

ReachOut: Resolving an argument or disagreement
http://www.reachout.com.au/default.asp?ti=288


A website called eHow has a wide variety of point-by-point articles on
communicating in various types of situations, ranging from work crises
to hand signalling. A listing begins on this page.

eHow: communicate
://www.google.com/custom?hl=en&lr=&ie=ISO-8859-1&oe=ISO-8859-1&client=pub-5540093232741418&cof=FORID%3A1%3BL%3Ahttp%3A%2F%2Fwww.ehow.com%2Fimages%2F16473300.gif%3BLH%3A48%3BLW%3A115%3BGL%3A1%3BBGC%3AFFFFFF%3BT%3A%23000000%3BLC%3A%230033cc%3BVLC%3A%23663399%3BALC%3A%230033cc%3BGALT%3A%23339900%3BGFNT%3A%230000ff%3BGIMP%3A%230000ff%3BDIV%3A%23336699%3BLBGC%3AFFFFFF%3BAH%3Acenter%3BS%3Ahttp%3A%2F
%2Fwww.ehow.com%3B&domains=eHow.com&q=communicate+&btnG=Search&sitesearch=eHow.com


And here are handful of eHow articles that you may find useful.

eHow: How to Be a Better Listener
http://www.ehow.com/how_3836_be-better-listener.html

eHow: How to Stop Being Controlling
http://www.ehow.com/how_13300_stop-controlling.html

eHow: How to Know if Someone Is Lying
http://www.ehow.com/how_13299_know-someone-lying.html

eHow: How to Write a Love Letter
http://www.ehow.com/how_3333_write-love-letter.html

eHow:  How to Tell Her You Love Her
http://www.ehow.com/how_13307_tell-her-you.html


Finally, let me direct your attention to a website that features over a
dozen articles on principles of communication and offers a free biweekly
newsletter on the subject.

Communicate4results: Articles
http://www.communicate4results.com/articles.htm


leapinglizard

That was great thank a lot you've done it again!

Thank you for the kind words and the handsome tip.

leapinglizard

On the Communication Question:
Listen! There's a World Waiting to be Heard: the Empowerment of
Listening, by Carol McCall is quite good. 
(http://all-garden-books.com/0533131154.html)
Also, you may find The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz helpful.
(http://www.miguelruiz.com/agreements.html)
(http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1878424319/104-0397054-0578314)
Additionally, there are several college textbooks on communication, consider:
Communication Mosaics by Julia Wood

A word of caution, esp. when interpreting non-verbal communication: No
gesture or expression means exactly the same thing for everyone.  Even
our most explicit language is ambiguous and open for multiple
interpretations.  (That is, after all, what legal disputes
are...differences in interpretation.)  The best strategy to combat
this is to state how you are interpreting said gesture or expression
and confirm that you are receiving the intended message.

On the Main Question:
I believe that leapinglizard's response is dead on.  I wish only to emphasize:
That I would seriously question your third query.  To ask: "why
doesn't she respect me?" insinuates that she does not respect
you?which may not be the case.  You may feel disrespected by some of
her behaviors, but this does not necessarily mean that she doesn't
respect you.  This is a conversation you may want to have with her,
but you may want to phrase it in the form of "I feel ____ when you do
____."  This should create a more effective conversation for you.

Great answer!  That took a lot of thought.