I'm 25 years old, and I've been dating a girl for the last several
months. This girl has made me feel more special in this short
relationship than any other relationship that I have ever been in. The
last two months have been for of drama between her and I. We can't
seem to get out of this negative cycle where we cant' stop arguing.
Once we start arguing, she puts up her guard and she doesn't want to
hear anything that I have to say. She does things during our
arguements that really get me so frustraited and angry sometimes, that
I will say mean or hurtful things. 99% of the time, I wish I could
take them back, because I know that I definitely don't mean them. I
was never like this in my previous relationships, but I was also never
put in the position to feel so frustraited and angry as I do sometimes
in this relationship. After we fight, she distances herself away from
me, and then that gets me more frustraited. We try to talk it out, and
she always ask me, "If you love me so much, why do you say the things
you say?" I never have the right answer for her, and honestly I'm not
too sure myself on why I say those things. What is the best
explanition for my actions. I know that I do love her, and I hurt and
regret for saying the things that I said. Can someone explain to me
why I say hurtful things to the girl that I love when I get angry and
frustraited with her?

Do you want a theoretical answer or help? If the later better turn to
counselor/psychotherapist.
And, BTW, what makes you think that it?s your fault or that it is
something wrong with you? Maybe she is just a ?drama queen? and you
should consider parting ways with her.

Hey, I'm a married guy, and my wife does a simmilar "shutting out"
thing in an argument. Free advice.

You are observant of her feelings, and you care about her feelings.
The missing ingredient is enforcing the discipline on yourself to stop
in time-- every time.

In a dispute, be looking for the moment when she shuts you out. Be
expecting it. Say to yourself, "There it is. Now she's upset." Then
stop. Don't beat the door down (so to speak) when she shuts you out.
You just go over the top with a hurtful comment because its the only
thing that will ge through. Its not worth it. Remember how terrible
you feel when you know you've gone too far. Swear to yourself you'll
never let it happen again.

What are you arguing about?  (A rhetorical question)
If it starts with a difference of opinions on something that doesn't
have to do with your relationship, keep to the subject, don't let it
escalate and become personal  - or let her do so.  Try to recognize
which of you first makes the personal accusation:  "You always ...", 
"You never ...",  "You don't ..."
Maybe the one who says it is right, and the other should then
recognize it and back off. (Maybe that's you.)  If she does, don't
respond in kind.  Get back to the subject, or stop the dispute.
Unfortunately, you two seem to have developed a routine, fall into the
same roles, which makes it harder to break the habit.  You don't have
to live out "Who's afraid of Virgina Wolff".
There is a great book,  "Games People Play", that might be interesting
reading for you both.  It must be 40 years old, but I just checked, it
is still in print, which recommends it.
I would suggest that you get it and in a harmonious moment look at it together.

Do I do as I say?  Not as often or as well as I should  :-)
Good Luck!

Have you had other relationships where you did /not/ behave like this?

The reasons we sometimes get into arguements is because she blows up
at me when I ask about her ex boyfriend. He recently started trying to
call her again to "just say hi". The reason I ask if he's called or if
she's talked to him, is because she has been caught in a few lies in
the past couple months. The lies aren't huge (I had called her, and
she told me if I could call her back because she was making some
coffee. I was very cool about it, but then I asked if she was on the
other line, and she said no. I said "go ahead and call me back". We
hung up, or so she thought I did and she clicked to the other line. I
then called back and said thanks for lying to me and I just hung up.
She called me 3 hours later and was very appologitic about the whole
situation. Stupid me just let it fly. Now I'm really not sure what I
should do. She keeps telling me, that she needs her space now and to
leave her alone, but then she calls me to see what I'm doing or to ask
a stupid question. All this leverage that she has on me is because I
said a few hurtful things (that I regret so dearly). I won't let go
because I feel that this situation is just a negative turmoil that I'm
trying to get out of and I'm sure I will, so leaving the girl isn't an
option. Any other comments??? They are all very helpful!!!
Thanks

You could take a look at: Question ID: 471395

Hi,

I'm 45, 18 years married, father of three; we've been through
separation with my wife and overcome it. When we met we were old
enough to have had other important and not so important relations
before. We've had our times of harsh disputes too.

What I'm trying to say is that I can account for a bit of life
experience, and for all my life experience I can say that in any case
where emotional pain is the issue, be it in a relation or by oneself,
the right track to follow is the one suggested in the first comment of
this thread by emin-ga. When you feel pain in your teeth, you would
see a dentist, now that you're pain is emotional, a counselor or
psychoanalyst is the kind of professional who helps. I've done it many
times in my life and always worth it. Some people think that if you go
to the "shrink" something must be wrong with you, but that's a huge
harmful myth. A good psychology professional can help you break the
behavioral circuit in which you've engaged with your girlfriend, and
also find out which is your part in it and which is hers. Google
Answers can't replace professional advice, and it's very unlikely that
anyone here could give you a response that led you to a real solution,
because there's no way that we could ever get a sufficiently accurate
idea of what's going on between you two. Therefore, all we can
contribute with is opinion. Mine is what I just said. Wish you the
best!

Guillermo

Hi,

Out of curiosity, does your girl exhibit these symptoms?

- Rushing into things
- Rages
- Get frustrated a lot
- Never thinking about what the right thing to do is but what she
wants (or other people want)
- Wants to please others
- Never learns from mistakes
- Blames others

If so, and considering you were fine in your other relationsips, I
hate to say this, but your girlfriend is a sociopath--that is, someone
without a conscience.  The obvious symptoms of a sociopath are

- frequent white lies
- drama; sociopaths are basically incompetent
- say they love you, but do otherwise
- blows up at the things she is hiding
- seductively apologetic

The quick solution is to check out "When Your Lover is a Liar" by
Susan Forward.  I would recommend that you search for the word
"sociopath" in the book on Amazon's site or another book site that has
search features.

As for me, I am a 31 year old guy who just came from a relationship
with a sociopathic girl.  Unfortunately, when I was going out with
her, I did not know what a sociopath was.  But there were things that
bothered me that did not make sense.  Some of these things I have
recognized in your descriptions.

The first set of symptoms don't seem related but it is what sociopaths
have in common.

On another note, your girl is making you feel "guilty" for the things
that you are doing.  That is outright manipulation.

As for you saying hurtful things, I did the same thing.  The only
thing I can think of is that it was my unconscious reaction to get rid
of the girl.

Words of advice: don't accuse her of lying.  It will just make her
angry and make her accuse you of not "loving" her.  Whatever you do,
don't say she is a sociopath.  It will make things worse and she will
just play with your head and deny everything.  She may even be on
"good behavior" for awhile.  Sociopaths can't hide things forever.

It will be very hard to break up with this girl, so do it slowly.  She
may seduce you with her words (apologies, words of love) to come back
to her to work things out.  At that point, you will have to lie to
her.

Hope this helps, and I do agree with the idea that a
counselor/psychotherapist will add a lot of insight.  In the meantime,
use whatever information you can get your hands on.

You say them because you're an attention-seeking to**er.  She's better
than you so give up.

Poet

poet-ga,
maybe you have been on vacation for a few weeks (such a nice user
name), or maybe you are new  - and maybe  - certainly -  I make some
inappropriate comments myself -  but all - ALL - the ones I have seen
from you are less than helpful,
myoarin

experienceknowledge-ga

You are so on point.
Thanks for your comment. I'm going to look up the information that you provided.
Thanks!

Just by the way...she is obviously involved with the supposedly "ex"
boyfriend.  That's why the space; that's why the lies.  She wants to
keep you as a temporary backup plan in case he turns "ex" again.

I promise to my girlfrined first time that i will call her but i did
not call her she wait for whole night.and on the next day she says me
that i am flirt and did not love her and she don,t want to talk to me
and she says she hates me but i do love her some one can slove my
problem

I am a 29 Year old male and I'm going through the same thing as you my
friend, the only advice I could give you is " What do you think"!!!!!
It amazes me how I search for the answers that can only be answered by
myself and yet everyone else knows the answers that I think I should
be hearing to make myself feel better. (Does this sound familiar)

Go with yourself my friend because your worth it......Not anyone else
at this moment in time........Your Worth every penny, so make the leap
and decide what you think is best because then you have made the right
decision not anyone else and therefore it's right.

Good luck looking for the answer cause your going to need it all to do
this for you and her both!

If she ever lies to you about anything, or says "I need my space," or
refuses to give you straight answers about her ex-- then to borrow a
line from the Amityville Horror: GET OUT!

The reason she "makes you feel special" is because she dangles you on
a yo-yo 80% of the time, and then tells you exactly what you want to
hear for the remaining 20%. It's meaningless. She's playing you.

Things are never going to get better than they are now. So my answer
to your question-- "Why do I say hateful things to my girlfriend?"--
is: probably because they're true!

To add to griffith933-ga comment, the hurtful things I said to my
ex-girlfriend were definitely true.  And she definitely did not like
that the hurtful things were true.  And that is why her responses were
always, "Why are you hurting my feelings?"  These girls/women have
serious psychological problems in which they cannot tell right from
wrong.

OHHHH SCARY THIS ONE SOUNDS LIKE MY RELATIONSHIP. IM MY CASE MY
GIRLFRIEND CHEATED ON HER EX WIV ME.....(A SUPOSED MATE OF MINE...)
THEN HE BROKE UP WIV HER, NOT KNOWING ABOUT "US". LIKE 2 WEEKS LATER
SHE KINDA GOT ME 2 ASK HER OUT AND WE BECAME AN ITEM PROPERLY. THERE
WAS MAJOR CARNAGE AND AFTERMATH FROM THIS WHICH RESULTED IN A PUNCH UP
BETWEEN ME AND HER EX AND FALLINGS OUT WITHIN OUR FRIENDSHIP CIRCLE.
DID YOU KNOW UR GIRLFRIENDS EX? I FIND IT HARD TO COPE WITH THE FACT
THAT THEY WERE AN ITEM AND THAT THERES HISTORY THERE AND I CAN GET
VERY JEALOUS, LIKE YOU IM EXPECTED 2 ALWAYS SPEAK MY MIND AND ALTHOUGH
IM A BOTTLER, TRY MY HARDEST TO TELL HER THE TRUTH WHOLE TRUTH AND
NOTHING BUT...... BUT A NORMAL ANSWER FROM HER.... ITHINK NOT LOL!
ESPECIALLY WHEN IT COMES TO DO WITH ANYTHING ABOUT THE EX. IM CURIOUS
AND HAVE A LOT OF QUESTIONS I WHANT/NEED ANSWERING BUT IF I GO NEAR
THE SUBJECT OF HIM SHE GETS MAD AND TELLS ME " NOT THIS AGAIN THEN
SELECTIVE HEARING COMES INTO PLAY. EITHER GET TOTALT BLANKED, SHEL
PRETEND SHE HASNT HEARD ME, THEN SHOUTS "WHAT!!!!??" WHEN I ASK FOR AN
ANSWER OR INPUT INTO THE CONVO. IT REALLY WINDS ME UP THEN AS YOU DO I
GET SO FRUSTRATED AND ANGERY THAT I SAY STUPID THINGS I KINDA MEAN AT
THE TIME, BUT LATER REALISE THEY WERE ONLY SAID TO HURT HER AND GIVE
HER A TASTE OF THE PAIN SHE SOMETIMES MAKES ME FEEL. IT REALLY GETS TO
ME AND THEM 99% OF THE TIME I FEEL THE NEED 2 APOLOGISE....... SHE
SAYS OK OR IM SORRY TO....... BUT THEN THAT HASNT SOLVED THE PROBLEM,
JUS POSPONED IT TILL NEXT TIME I PLUCK UP THE COURAGE TO ASK A
QUESTION SHES NOT COMFORTABLE ANSWERING.............. OOOOOHHHHH LORDY
LOL ITS A TOUGH SITUATION.... JUS ROLL WITH IT MY FRIEND ONLY YOU KNOW
WHAT YOUR FEELING AND ONLY YOU HAVE THE REAL ANSWERS. TRY DOIN WHAT I
DO. WRITE YOUR FEELINGS DOWN TO LET HER READ. I ALWAYS FIND IT EASIER
BECAUSE U GET EVERYTHING OUT U WANNA SAY THEN WEN U GIVE IT HER THERES
NO GOING BACK.... ITS SED.... ITS DONE. PLUS WEN U ARGUE THE RED MIST
SETS IN U CANT EXPLAIN URSELF AND FORGET THE MEANING OF THE ARGUMENT.
HOPE ITS HELPED. LOVES PRECIOUS DONT WASTE WHAT YOU HAVE SORT THINGS
OUT, MAKE HER UNDERSTAND.

I'm 21. My girlfriend of 3 years recently left me because of what
you're doing. Whenever i'd attempt to work out issues between us and
any blame rested on her she had a bad habit of reacting unreasonably
to my confronting her. It was very difficult to work with her when she
never could accept fault for anything. Toward the end of our
relationship it got to the point to where I couldn't restrain myself
from the overwhelming frustration that I began saying things I didn't
mean to her. Although I confessed to her after every argument why
exactly I said what I did and that I didn't mean any of it, she still
absorbed it until she believed I no longer accepted her and left me.
My advice, if the situation is so bad that she's unwilling to be
mature about the problems you have and talk it out with you without
throwing a fit like a child and you're unable to restrain yourself
from unleashing the fury upon her then the relationship is unhealthy.
You know what you should do. You don't need any of us to tell you what
to do. You just want confirmation of what you already know, but I
assure you it won't make the decision to take the appropriate action
any easier. You just have to do it and don't look back. Good luck, my
friend.

I was in a relationship for about 2 1/2 years that sounds like this. 
I never did find the answer.  After a painful breakup, and 2 years of
getting over it, I finally found another girl I could be serious with
- and we've never had problems or arguments like this.  We argue
sometimes, but nothing like my ex, and I've never come even close to
telling her hurtful things.  It's probably a mix of two things -
learning from my mistakes in the first serious relationship, and the
fact that this girl doesn't enjoy pushing my buttons like my last
serious girl friend =).

I'm willing to bet this girl is gorgeous and probably has 3-4
boyfriends waiting in the wings that you don't know about yet, but
will have the joy of finding out soon enough.  My advice?  Cut her
loose -- all the great sex in the world isn't worth the emotional
torment this kind of girl brings.  There are just as attractive - and
wild in bed - girls out there that don't come with the headache and
drama.