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Q: I need some jokes! ( No Answer,   9 Comments )
Subject: I need some jokes!
Category: Miscellaneous
Asked by: thefuzz81-ga
List Price: $2.00
Posted: 28 Dec 2005 08:22 PST
Expires: 31 Dec 2005 12:39 PST
Question ID: 610488
I'd like some funny jokes for an upcoming New Year party.  A timely
joke seems to break the ice much faster than inane small talk.  I've
read similar requests before on GA, so I know there is a vast amount
of comedic genius lurking behind the mild-mannered personas of our
esteemed researchers. Let's see what you've got.

Clarification of Question by thefuzz81-ga on 28 Dec 2005 08:40 PST
For $2.00, I suppose one good joke would suffice.  Maybe some
commenters will have some good ones.  The party will have a fairly
liberal crowd, but I'll be limiting the jokes I share to ones in good
taste.  Thanks!

Request for Question Clarification by bobbie7-ga on 28 Dec 2005 08:42 PST
Here's a joke.

Request for Question Clarification by bobbie7-ga on 28 Dec 2005 08:44 PST
More jokes

Clarification of Question by thefuzz81-ga on 28 Dec 2005 09:41 PST
Although both are certainly jokes, which is exactly what I asked for,
I have already gleaned what I could from previous GA postings. A joke
not previously used in an answer would more suit my needs.  If I need
to adjust the price of my question, I can certainly do that.  Thank
you, Bobbie, for your quick response.
There is no answer at this time.

Subject: Re: I need some jokes!
From: bbescuela1-ga on 28 Dec 2005 08:59 PST
George W. Bush is in a staff meeting when an aide reports that 115
Brazilian soldiers have just been killed by insurgents in Mosul.  The
president goes ballistic!  "115 Brazilian soldiers!  This is horrible!
 We have to start planning an offensive to show these terrorists that
we will not be intimidated!  But how will we address this to the
press?  There's so much to do and so little time!"  Just then he leans
over to Cheney and whispers "Hey Dick, how many is a brazilian again?"
Subject: Re: I need some jokes!
From: geof-ga on 28 Dec 2005 09:12 PST
Given that as well as dirty jokes, you should probably also avoid
jokes about Bush/Iraq (like the one above), religion, race and women
(like the many blonde jokes around), you might find it safer to stick
to inane small talk. However, as long as your "audience" doesn't
contain any lawyers, you might like the joke at   Failing that,
there are lots more on
Subject: Re: I need some jokes!
From: mikomoro-ga on 28 Dec 2005 10:05 PST
Did you hear the one about the couple who were both 62 and they went
out to dinner to celebrate having been married for 40 years?

No? OK so while they were waiting for their main course, a fairy
appeared and granted them both a wish.

The woman told the fairy that she'd like to take her husband on a
luxury world cruise, everything paid for.

The fairy waved her magic wand and said 'Wish granted'.

The husband then told the fairy that, although he had been happily
married for 40 years, his wish was to be married to a woman who was 30
years younger.

The fairy waved her magic wand again and again said 'Wish granted'.

And the husband was changed into a 92-year-old.

Well, I liked it!
Subject: Re: I need some jokes!
From: omnivorous-ga on 28 Dec 2005 10:29 PST
Quite good, spam-free:

Best regards,

Subject: Re: I need some jokes!
From: nelson-ga on 28 Dec 2005 11:01 PST
GWBush jokes are always in good taste (though not dead Brazilian soldier jokes).
Subject: Re: I need some jokes!
From: myoarin-ga on 28 Dec 2005 14:37 PST
Here is one that has everything you don't want:  a bit antisemitic, a
bit racial, a bit off color  - and probably too long, but it isn't

A black vagrant is rumaging around the shrubery behind a synagoge
looking for cans and bottles to collect when he finds a strangely
shape dirty bronze item with a grip.  Curious, he starts to rub to
dirt off it, and suddenly there is a great flash and puff of smoke. 
As the smoke begins to clear, he sees a strange man in Oriental
clothing who says:  "I am the genie of the lamp.  You haff von vish
and von vish only."
The black man recovers from his shock and says:  "Oh, man, da's easy: 
I wanna  be pure white and surrounded by pussy."
"Your vish vill be granted," the genie replies, and then there is
another flash and puff of smoke and the black man is turned into a

But there is a moral to the story:  If you ever find a magic lamp
behind a synagoge, and you rub it, and a genie appears and offers you
a wish, be careful, there could be string attached.

My apologies to any who may be offended   - no offense intended.  It
is one of the few jokes I can remember  - heard it decades ago in
Australia, before PC.

I would be interested to know if the joke is known by anyone here.
Regards, Myoarin
Subject: Re: I need some jokes!
From: pinkfreud-ga on 28 Dec 2005 14:50 PST
Two of my favorites:

What did the Buddha say to the hot dog vendor?
"Make me one with everything."

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? 
Melted fish.
Subject: Re: I need some jokes!
From: stressedmum-ga on 29 Dec 2005 00:32 PST
An elderly man in Melbourne calls his son in Perth and says, "I hate
to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are
divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son demands.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man
says."We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so
you call your sister in Sydney and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like
hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls Melbourne immediately and tells her dad, "You are NOT
getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm
calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then,
don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. Okay," he
says,"They're coming for chrismas and paying their own fares."
Subject: Re: I need some jokes!
From: stressedmum-ga on 29 Dec 2005 00:35 PST
A man goes to the zoo.
When he gets there,
there was only a dog.

It was a shitzu.

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