[[[QUESTION FOR FEMALE RESERCHER ONLY]]]

I listed a question couple days ago (along with a set of facts) to ask
for an unbiased opinion on the status of my relationship with my
girlfriend.  I got a good answer from tutuzdad.  It is possible
thought that his thoughts may be over-sympoathetic to me because we
are both male.  So, I would like the opinion of a female (with maybe
special emphasis on the different ways females look at things).
 The question is listed in this same category under thread 367415:
http://answers.google.com/answers/threadview?id=367415.

I would really appreciate it if you could read the question, answer
and comments and give me a female point of view.

Thank you!

Hello acastaway~

I am a woman, and my views do vary a little from Tutusdad. Let?s take
the points one by one:


?1) our relationship is on its last legs.? 

This, by itself, is not a good reason to believe she?s having an affair.


?2) my girlfriend is really tired of our relationship and has stated
that many times.?

Ditto


?3) my girlfriend has said repeatedly that she can't be honest with me
and I feel like she is always omitting information.?

This is a general red flag. It?s odd, in my opinion, that anyone would
say ?I can?t be honest with you; just know that,? particularly to
their boyfriend. Usually dishonest people don?t want others to *know*
they are dishonest. Was she perhaps saying this to manipulate you in
some way? From your other comments, I confess I wonder if she?s a
manipulative person. (Perhaps she wants you to believe she?s cheating,
so that you?ll cow-tow to her, etc.) But, still, this doesn?t mean
she?s having an affair; there are plenty of other things to be
dishonest and manipulative about.


?4) we have a long-distance relationship.? 

I?ve had two long distance relationships in my life (one with my
husband, before we were married), and I never cheated :)  This is not
reason enough to suspect she?s cheating.


?5) in addition to living 2500 miles away, she travels overseas 75
percent of the time.?

Not a reason to suspect she?s cheating.


?6) my girlfriend?s boss (with whom she travels usually) selects her
to be his trips, selects her to be on his own two-man team while on
these
trips and to work with him closely.? 

Ditto. She?s probably very good at her job!


?7) their work frequently requires that he be in her hotel room most
nights until 12:00AM or 1:00AM or later.?

I can see where this would make you uncomfortable, but it?s not reason
enough to suspect she?s cheating.


?8) her co-workers have expressed jealousy at the closeness between
her boss and my girlfriend and feel like she gets special treatment
from
him.? 

Bosses often give preference to ?star players,? and other employees
are often jealous of those stars.


?9) there's a lot of secrecy about what they do, not just with regard
to work but also with regard to what I feel is a connection between
the two of them.?

What do you mean? How are they secretive? Does your girlfriend not
tell you what the job is about? (This might be a red flag.) Or does
she simply not like to talk about her boss? (Perhaps this gives
insight into their relationship...see my comments below.)



?10) she spends alot more time on her trips than she does with me (90
percent away, 10 percent with me).?

This is definitely not the way to promote a good relationship, but
it?s more a sign of being a work-aholic than anything else.


?11) her boss has been accused of sexual harassment by another female
co-worker who has spread rumors about my girlfriend and her boss.  My
girlfriend vehemently defends her boss saying he is innocent of all
wrongdoing.?

And perhaps he is. It?s possible; I?ve known a couple of women who
falsely accused bosses of sexual harassment because they want revenge
or more money. On the other hand, maybe he's guilty and your
girlfriend chooses to believe he's not because: 1. He has helped her
career, or 2. She's sleeping with him.


?12) my girlfriend?s grooming habits for her private parts changed a
lot after she took this job: when we were together in the same city,
she
rarely groomed her private parts.  when she is with me now, even for a
few days, she has only once groomed her private parts. but, when she
is away for work she always has her private parts impeccably groomed.?

I?d say this might be an indication she?s cheating?or, that her boss
is sensitive to certain odors.


?13) we were going to go on vacation in may and her boss knew that.
however, her boss asked her to stay on a business trip.  (she said it
was another boss that asked her to stay).  anyway, she stayed on the
trip and called off our vacation by breaking up with me on my birthday
because i asked a bunch of probing and admitedly insulting questions
about what was going on between her and her boss. she hadn?t called
until 2:00AM her time ?cause her boss had been in her room that whole
time and I got jealous.?

Honestly, if I had a boyfriend who was constantly worried that I was
cheating, I?d break up with him, too. This shows a lack of trust on
his part, and makes life miserable for everyone. You?re also assuming
she broke up with you so she didn?t have to vacation with you; this is
a lot of presuming on your part.


?14) her boss has gone out of his way to help her get out of some
trips she didn?t want to go on, so she could go with him.?

Not enough information here for me to comment. How has he ?helped
her?? Maybe she just made a ?work excuse? so she didn?t have to
travel, or be with a boyfriend who was making her unhappy?


?15) her boss has her cel phone number and has called her when they
are not working. She says only to discuss work matters.?

This doesn?t seem strange. Many people consult with their bosses
off-hours via cell phone.


?15) my girlfriend has started turning off her cel phone when she is
around me and locking the key pad.?

Maybe she?s just trying to spend more quality time with you; or
perhaps she?s afraid you?ll start accusing her of sleeping with her
boss. (She could be tired and fearful of that even if she?s perfectly
innocent.)


?16) i am completely forbidden from calling her when she is away on
business. I can never, under any conditions, call her hotel room and
rarely know what hotel she is staying at.?

This would raise a red flag for me; on the other hand, she may be the
type that can?t handle interruptions when working.



?17) she rarely talks with me when she is back in the US because she
does not want to talk with me when she is at her parents, with her
sister, with her other siblings, with her friends. even when she is
alone, she is usually too tired to talk.?

This, at the very least, is the sign of an unhealthy relationship.
Have you asked her why she doesn?t want to talk to you when she?s with
her friends and family? I also wonder: Do you call her frequently? Is
she trying to set boundaries because you call too often?




Now, given all 17 items as a whole, I?d say there is reason for you to
sit down and have a quiet, reasonable, loving conversation with your
girlfriend. Start by asking her how you can be a better friend and
lover. Listen to her; don?t interrupt her. Don?t argue with her. She
is telling you what she needs; if you think you?re already giving it
to her, don?t correct her, because obviously she isn?t interpreting
your actions accordingly??and that?s what really matters.

Next, ask her to listen to your fears. And call them just that,
?fears.? *Briefly* list the things that worry you. Explain that you
love her, but feel insecure about your relationship. Tell her that you
want to cast aside all your fears and suspicions *for good.* Ask her
to explain the ?red flag? items. Why does she strictly forbid you to
call her when she?s on working trips, even though you miss her so
much? Etc. Don?t argue with her, and don't accuse, or she?ll become
defensive. Ask her to be perfectly honest; tell her that you won?t get
angry or violent (if violence has been an issue). Let her know that
you?ll walk away if that?s what she wants you to do, or that you?ll
stay and work things out. It?s all up to her, and you?ll do exactly as
she desires. You want to create an atmosphere that allows her to be
honest without fearing terrible consequences.

I agree with Tutuzdad that you do sound insecure; and I wonder, from
your question, whether you may be hounding your girlfriend. Do you
often accuse her of cheating? Do you often insinuate that she?s
cheating? If so, stop. It doesn?t help anything; it only makes things
worse. Do you call her frequently? Stop; she may be feeling harassed.
Do you hound her? Stop; this only makes her defensive and desire to
push you away.

I?m also concerned that you say she?s tired of the relationship, yet
you also say that she loves you and says she wants to stay together.
This either means she wants to leave and you?re deluding yourself, or
that she does love you and wants to stay and you?re pushing her away
with your suspicions and hounding. However, I?d disagree with Tutusdad
on this point: Assuming she *does* want to leave you and is unhappy in
the relationship, it doesn?t follow that she?s with anyone else.

Also, you say to Tutusdad that you don?t believe your girlfriend is
cheating on you. Then why did you ask this Google question??

If you really don?t think she?s having an affair, then her
relationship with her boss shouldn?t matter. If you two nurture your
own relationship (which, granted, will have to include more quality
time spent together, trust, and honesty), then you have nothing to
worry about. As marriage expert Willard F. Harley Jr. states in his
book ?His Needs, Her Needs? (a book I highly recommend, by the way), a
relationship will remain solid if you fulfill each other?s needs.
(Most of us don't really understand what our partner's needs are,
however...You gotta communicate!)

I think the number one thing you need to do is get more comfortable
with yourself. Forgive yourself for your mistakes and move on. Better
yourself. Find something to do (a job, a hobby, charity work, etc.)
that makes you feel good about yourself. You love your girlfriend
flaws and all, and so you must learn to love yourself flaws and all.
Examine what your good traits are and focus on them. (If you?re having
trouble finding good traits, tell your girlfriend that you?re working
on your self esteem. Ask her to spend a weekend considering what she
loves about you; have her write it down and give you a list.)

If your history is such that past mistakes have become a barrier,
consider going to counseling together.

In addition, don?t accuse your girlfriend. This puts her on the
defensive and automatically starts an argument. For example, her
grooming habits: When she comes home, you might say, ?Aw, what
happened to those cute little hairs?? She may shrug this off, but you
can say, ?You don?t have to remove those for me; I love you just the
way you are. Why would you want to remove them, anyway?? Maybe she?ll
give you the real reason for the change, and you've just said some
very loving things to her that can't help but make her feel good about
you.

Honestly, my suspicion, as I?ve already stated, is that you're too
clingy, controlling, suspicious, and jealous. A relationship cannot
thrive on these things; these are the things that kill
relationships?-whether it?s this one, or any future relationship. So
you need to deal with those matters right away.

However, there are other possibilities:

When I put myself in your girlfriend?s shoes, I wonder: If she really
does love you and want to stay with you, might she be experiencing
pressure from her boss to have an affair? Or is she?s sleeping with
him in order to maintain her position at work? True, I do not know the
context of the phrase ?I can?t be honest with you,? but it would fit
into this scheme. She may love her job--think it's what makes her who
she is--and be afraid of loosing it.

But, ultimately, only your girlfriend can answer your questions. So,
next time you see her, spend a relaxing day or evening together. Treat
her to a great meal, pour her a bubble bath, let her relax. Then tell
her that you want to talk--you want to change and be better to her. If
you approach the conversation by first letting her air her grievances
unimpeded, you open the door for her to be perfectly honest, and get
to the heart of the matter.

If she tells you she isn?t cheating, then you MUST do one of two things:

1. Tell her you don?t believe her, and end the relationship then and there.

2. Or, put all suspicions and jealousy aside and truly work on being a
better partner; fulfill her needs. Be unselfish. If you fulfill her
needs, she?ll naturally want to help fulfill yours, and you will
develop a far better relationship.

If she tells you she is cheating, then you must either:

1. Accept it, and decide to stay with her, anyway. (Not a healthy choice.)

2. Or, if she's willing to end the affair, seek couseling together.
(Although, in my opinion, those who cheat tend to cheat again and
again.)



Kind regards,
Kriswrite

Thanks kriswrite,

Your insight has been very helpful.  I expected some differences in
the process for evaluating the information. But, in all honesty, I did
not expect such a difference in the conclusion: men and women look at
things so differently, though, that I’m really grateful for both
points of view.

On days when I have even a little hope and feel like my girlfriend is
trying to work things out and trying to be loving towards me, I tend
to agree more with your impression that, even though there are red
flags all over the place, there’s plausible explanations and I should
not jump to conclusions.  When I feel that way, I really try to be
understanding and accepting of everything she says and supportive for
everything she does.

On the other hand, on days where she seems distant, angry, and
unwilling to do anything to help our relationship survive, when she is
thousands of miles away, unwilling to talk, and even downright mean, I
tend to agree with tutuzdad’s impression that the writing on the wall
could not be clearer.

The problem is, though, that over the last few months, she always
seems distant and angry and unwilling to do anything to help our
little family survive.  And, of course, I have to ask myself why is
she unwilling to do anything.  Invariably I fall into the trap set by
all these red flags and jump to the worst most hurtful conclusions. 
This is all the more worse because we can’t talk.  We have so much to
work out, you know, that if we can’t talk then we are just piling on
more bad stuff that will never be made better, on top of a large pile
of bad stuff that’s already there.  I don’t think that’s gonna change.
So I don’t think we are gonna make it.  The question of whether she is
cheating or not is irrelevant in that respect.

If we could talk, maybe we could make some progress.  But we can’t. 
She doesn’t seem to want to talk.  Even when we are having fun
conversations, she has to go.  Even this last week something happened
that made that clear.  She’s on Pacific Time and I’m on Eastern time. 
For free minutes, she can only call me on her cell phone after 9:00PM
her time, which is 12:00AM my time.  She has never called before
1:00AM lately, and I stay up always till 2:00AM or 3:00AM waiting for
her to call, even though I have to go to work the next day.  To help
this problem, I signed up with verizon (her phone carrier) so we could
have the same in-plan free calling.  But it has been lots of excuses
for why she can’t sign up for the same thing… even though it is her
phone company and signing up is free.  I realize, now, that I put her
in a bad situation by signing up for verizon… lack of free minutes was
not the reason she didn’t call.  I didn’t know that before.  Even this
weekend, we spoke on Friday and we were having a nice conversation
about plans for a little vacation we’d been planning.  But, she had to
go to bed early because she was at her parents house and she has to
wake up early the next day.  I had been looking forward to talking
with her about our vacation, but also because I could have talked a
long time without having to worry about waking up for work early the
next day.  But she had to hang up.  I found out the next day that she
went out with friends all weekend and stayed out late.  I think it’s
good that she went out.  Her friend is really nice.  But it really
hurts that there’s a double standard—it’s okay to stay out late with
her friends, but not okay to stay up to talk to me…. even though we
have never talked as late as she has stayed out with her friends.  
Last night she told me she felt guilty being out with her friends and
not spending enough time with her parents.  I told her I also felt
hurt by the double standard.  She got really angry at me and called me
egotistical… she asked me how I could take something that was about
her feeling bad for not spending time with her parents and turned it
into something about me.  I guess the only point of this is that she
could talk to me if she wanted… she could sign up for free calling
with verizon… she could talk to me a little longer ‘cause her time is
3 hours early.  But, she always has a reason for why we can’t talk,
and a double standard for everything else.  And it hurts a lot. 
Especially considering that if we were gonna make our relationship
work… we have to talk.  The fact that she doesn’t want to talk is
probably proof that she doesn’t want the relationship to work.

I also wanted to answer your question about why I asked my question to
begin with if I didn’t think she was cheating: it’s because my gut
goes back and forth on the question.  But more importantly, I wanted
to know if a person who heard the facts could plausibly think that
something funny is going on.  My girlfriend repeatedly states that
there’s something wrong with me to think there’s anything to worry
about.  She seems to be under the impression that her behavior raises
no bad signs.  As a result, I have thought all this time that there’s
something wrong with me.  That, because I’ve never been a trusting
person to begin with, that bad part of me has simply taken over when
there was nothing at all to make any other person worry at all.

Unlike me, she also has some people she can speak with (most of them
girls, of course, which is also why I wanted your point of view). 
Anyway, she says all those people agree with her and that there must
be something wrong with me.  After a while, I believe them completely.
 There must be something wrong with me.

I went to the pool the other day and this girl walked over to me… my
self esteem has been so battered that I was freaked out. Why would a
good looking girl in a bikini come talk to me.  Apparently some papers
of hers had flown under my chair.  Anyway, we started to talk and she
asked me if I had a girl friend.  I told her about my circumstance and
we ended up talking for a very long time.  Right before she left, she
told me: “you know, I didn’t want to say this because I liked you. 
But, I feel like I should be honest with you.  I think your girlfriend
is cheating on you.”  I realize that her opinion is probably tainted,
having heard only my side of the story.  It may have been also tainted
if she had wanted to date me or something, but that was not the case,
but it was a big thing for me to hear.

Anyway, when she said that, my heart stopped beating and even a tear
ran down my eye.  I was embarrassed with that girl, but I couldn’t
avoid it.  When I gained my composure, I felt somewhat better because
another person (another reasonably sane, well intentioned, unbiased
person) could actually come to that conclusion.  Maybe it’s not just
me.  Maybe I’m not crazy.  Maybe I’m not a bad person, or insane, or
simply an insecure, jealous person.  Maybe someone else could also
think that the things she has done could hurt.

I felt like I received a little recognition for the difficult
situation I’ve been in for a long time now.  My girlfriend has not
once stated, you know, that she recognizes that our situation is
difficult: that she asks a lot of me; that I have to accept a lot to
be with her; that I’ve tried to change and compromise a lot for us to
stay together; that it would be hard for anyone to be trapped in the
situation in which I currently find myself.  But, not once has she
said anything like that.  And I always thought, sane, rational,
emotionally stable people would never think the things I think. 
There’s just something wrong with me… and that’s the impression I get
from my girlfriend.

Again, this problem is made worse by the fact that I don’t have one
friend or family member I can talk to.  There’s no one to tell me…
gee… you know… your girlfriend is really putting you in a bad
situation.  I can see why you are in so much pain.  Not even a hey…
hang in there… or a I can’t believe she did this… that…. or the other.

That’s why I had the idea of writing to google answers.  As pathetic
as it sounds, I really had no one else to turn to.

In the end, I have to accept that my girlfriend is happier with her
new life.  She has a job she likes.  She gets to travel a lot, which
she loves.  She is making lots of good new friends and lots of money. 
She has moved back home to the west coast.  She sees her family when
she home.  When she is around, everyone is always thrilled to see her
‘cause she’s gone so much… and want to be around her and treat her
like a queen. Her life is good.

In the big picture, the only bad part of her life now is having to
deal with me… and that I’m clinging to her like grim death.  In the
day-to-day picture, the worst part of her day is having to call me for
a few minutes.  I know she has to leave.  I can see why.  But it
hurts.

I also hope no one gets the wrong impression.  I’m really glad she’s
happy.  I’m really glad she’s more herself.  I’m really happy for
those parts.  But, it also sad for me.  I wish I could have made her
that happy.  But the simple truth is that I didn’t… she has told me
that lots of times.  Now, I have to recognize that she is happier
without me  And I have to let go.  And it hurts… more than anything
has ever hurt before.

Thanks again for all your insight and your kind words.  I’m glad I
asked for your advice.  I guess if you want to know what a woman may
be thinking (or doing), the best thing is probably to ask a woman.  So
I really particularly value your assessment and also your advice.

THANKS ALSO TO THE FOLKS THAT READ THIS THESIS IN FAILED LOVE AND
POSTED THEIR COMMENTS AND WORDS OF SUPPORT.  I didn’t know this was
open to comments from other so not only was I surprised that someone
take their time to read all this sad story but also take their time to
post some encouragement or ideas.  THANKS!!!!

After reading this I would say there is some truth to what both
answerers stated. Clearly there is something fishy going on. Maybe
your girlfriend isn't cheating on you physically, but even if she
isn't her emotional attachment clearly isn't with you. If she really
loved you she would be willing to talk to you, around friends and
family and when she is alone. Someone who loves you doesn't make
excuses to not talk to you, they make the time to talk to you. So
either you've been hounding her and she's avoiding you for that
reason, or she doesn't want you and is avoiding you for that reason.
Either way, given what you've stated, you need to seriously consider
the probability that this relationship is going to end. It is not
emotionally healthy or positive for you in any way to continue a
relationship that is not working for either you or your girlfriend.
You have a lot of good reasons to think she is cheating. She might not
be, but this combined with the fact that your relationship isn't
really working in any other sense should really paint the picture
here: As long as you continue to go out without solving these
problems, nobody will be happy. And if the source of the problems are
that she just isn't attracted to you anymore, then the only way to
solve the relationship problem is to redefine the relationship as not
a boyfriend / girlfriend relationship.

I know a lot of people think they are lucky to be with who they are
with, and they fear losing what they have, seeing what they could lose
instead of what they could gain. In the short term, things will be
hard and painful, even moreso than now, but the sooner that you deal
with the problems at hand, the less pain you will go through overall.
I was with my first major girlfriend for almost 2 years; about 1 year
too many. We really loved each other, and to some extent we still do,
but we just weren't compatible and our relationship degenerated to the
point where it wasn't doing either of us any good. She ended up
spending more and more time with someone else, to the point where she
would never have any time for me, always tired, too busy, etc, but
this other person could wake her up in the middle of the night to go
for a walk and she would hop to it. She wasn't cheating on me, nothing
ever came of her and this other guy, but emotionally, she wasn't mine
anymore.

Finally we broke up, and this was difficult for quite some time, but a
lot of good things came of it. It gave me time to stop and consider
why things went wrong, and what kind of mistakes I had made. Some of
them were how I went about the relationship, some of the mistakes were
simply believing things would work out when we clearly weren't
compatible. Then there was the burden lifted off my shoulders from not
being with this person anymore. I could be myself, I didn't have to
kowtow to what they wanted or expected from me, and I didn't have to
be depressed about being in a relationship that clearly wasn't
working. Eventually I found a new girlfriend whom I love very much,
and I hopefully won't be making the same mistakes I did last time. I
think I'm more compatible with the person I'm with now, and things
have a much better chance of working out in the long run.

What I'm saying is, don't feel you have to stay in a situation that
isn't working. You're not doing anyone any favors, not yourself, not
your girlfriend. If things are salvagable, you two need to have an
open and honest discussion like kriswrite suggested. Don't be afraid
to have this discussion because of the possibility it might end your
relationship. If things are salvagable, this is the only way to
salvage it. If things are not, this will make an eventual breakup less
painful and regretable.

Best of luck to you castaway.

Hi Acastaway,

This is important .. 

I guess we all like to think that we are experts when it comes to
relationships. That's because it can't be measured and no one is ever
wrong. I believe that we tend to offer our opinions on that which we
can relate to for two reasons. Firstly, most people do care for the
humanity collective and detest unfairness as a threat to our good
intentions. Secondly, it's reinforcing beliefs of the opinionated
(myself included) to justify their own position on the topic. It helps
the opinionated sort themselves out also, so in a way you are helping
others with your own questions. That's why strangers are readily
available to help. Part of you is them, and vice versa. Just look at
your stranger friends here so far who have taken the time in an
attempt to make a difference for you. Don't let us down champ. Hang in
there.

Please think about this: If we consider ourselves as elements, then
our decision to join up with another element makes us a part of the
new compound we have chosen to create. What exists dormant in nature
is how things are sometimes meant to remain. If you combine 2 bits of
Hydrogen with 1 bit of Oxygen you will find natural life-giving and
free-flowing water. The way nature intended. If however you try to
force two opposing elements, one of three things will occur.
Explosion, implosion or repulsion.

I've ignored your request for responses from girls only, because I
feel that my thoughts are important to share with you. Some may
disagree, which I expect and respect, but our opinions are based
purely on experience.

You poor bastard. You are doing your best. You are there for her. You
are analysing everything for reassurance from the masses. You are
trustfull and trusting .. to a point .. like all humans. You are
looking for hope and reciprocated trust. You are expected to breath
through your pain and accept all. It ain't great is it? If you did not
care for her, you would not be resorting to open help like this. I
sympathise with you friend. Don't beat yourself up. Think only of 4
things. 1/ Reject the temptation to over-analyse; 2/ Turn your own
phone off - don't be so readily available yourself - have her chase
you, if she is deserving of you; 3/ If she wanted to be with you, she
would find a way .. with you as a team; 4/ Go with your gut feelings -
as painful as it may be in the short term - therein lays your answer.

Above all, please don't take the victim stance. Instead, take charge
of your own life, jump into the driver's seat and direct your life
according to you.

I'm sure your fine hard-working lady is all you have dreamt of with
whom you wish to share and be. Let her know that with clarity and ask
her for clarity in return.

Please consider (as our friends at Toyota would say), actually asking
her to read printouts of our deliberations here. It might just work.
(Just remember to cut my suggestion out .. it has to be your idea).
Show her your effort in your attempts to accept and understand her. If
you love her, "Blow her outa tha water" .. let her know how much she
means to you. Do something big .. THINK BIG .. Make her laugh, make
her cry, demand no restrictions, let her know that she is your world.

Regardless of your outcome, elation or pain, it is IMPORTANT that you
respond to the group here to advise us of your reconcilliation or
choice to move on in a positive way. Understand that effort by others
needs closure of proffered advice, and that we expect a positive
result for you as an important and deserving person in our world.

Phil
ps Now read it again after you have skimmed .. please

My honest advice is to higher a private detective. 
But ask yourself honestly if the relationship is able to be saved.

"my girlfriend?s grooming habits for her private parts changed a
lot after she took this job: when we were together in the same city,
she rarely groomed her private parts.  when she is with me now, even for a
few days, she has only once groomed her private parts. but, when she
is away for work she always has her private parts impeccably groomed.?

Life, Love and experience.  Boy-O-Boy, if this is not the biggest red
flag out there.........  It's not proof positive but it is a darn good
indication.  My advice and remember, it's just advice, if you truly
love her, love her enough to let her go.  If it is meant to be, she
will come back.

That "shockwaveracing-ga" person got it right.

The words "when she is with me now, even for a
few days, she has only once groomed her private parts. but, when she
is away for work she always has her private parts impeccably groomed."
are definitely a red flag -- they indicate that she's got higher
priorities with someone else.  To think that the boss doesn't like
certain odours is rediculous, and then add to the fact that they work
until after midnight in hotel rooms in far away places.  If it were
me, I'd tell her that this has to stop now or she has to leave because
this pattern isn't going to work in the long run.

This women obviously doesn't respect him, and why he's putting up with
her trashy behaviour is a mystery to me with all those "red flags" (I
think he wants a fairy tale, or at least someone to give him a way to
justify it as one).

acastaway,

As a female, I'd like to offer you an alternate interpretation of what
may be going on here.

Honestly, when I read everything that you'd written, I found myself
wondering why you would be willing to call her your girlfriend. From
what I can see, the only person who's participating in this
"relationship" is you.

- she's told you numerous times that she's tired of the relationship.

- she's told you that she doesn't feel that she can be honest with you.

- 90% of the time (when she's on her trips) she won't even talk to
you, whether or not she's even in the presence of someone else at the
time.

- if she's traveling 75% of the time, and she lives 2500 miles away,
then how much time does she ever really spend "with you"?.

There are plenty of people who travel 75% of the time for their jobs
who manage to maintain healthy and happy relationships with their
significant others.  The difference is that they *care*, and that they
are *committed* to their relationships.

You say that she says she loves you and would like the two of you to
be together. I can tell you that she is lying. A person who genuinely
*loves* someone else does not treat them the way that she treats you.
And if she would like the two of you to be together, exactly when does
she expect that to happen? *Maybe* somewhere down the road, when she's
done all of her exploring and experimenting with other people, and
decides that she can't find someone better than you??? Or maybe not at
all, after she finds someone that she likes better.

Certainly you bear your share of responsibility for the poor state of
your relationship. Jealousy, prying, and hounding never lead to a
healthy relationship. On the other hand, it's likely that you wouldn't
have progressed to this state in your feelings if she had been
treating you right to begin with. And if you think that, given the way
that she treats you right now, at some point in the future she will
actually start treating you well, you are only fooling yourself. Once
a pattern has been set in a relationship, people are very seldom able
to break out of the roles which they have taken on. If she doesn't
treat you well now, she never will.

YOU DESERVE MUCH BETTER THAN THIS.

Based on the signs and symptoms you report, I believe that it is quite
likely that she is "cheating" on you. But honestly, it doesn't matter
whether she is or not. What really matters is that this relationship
is VERY bad for you; it is sucking the life and the pleasure out of
you. The jealousy is eating you alive -- that and the fact that you
are the only one doing the giving here. What's more, as long as you
persist in this relationship, it will prevent you from getting out,
doing things that you enjoy, and meeting the kind of people with whom
you might be able to have a GOOD relationship.

If you are to blame for anything in this relationship, it is for
allowing her to do this to you -- she didn't do it without your
permission.

But you can put a stop to that right NOW. Just make your break. Cut
her loose. Explain to her that you have realized that this
relationship is extremely unhealthy for you, and that it's time for
you to move on with your life. Then MOVE ON. Erase her phone number
from your speed dials. Put all of your pictures of her in a box in the
basement or in a big manila envelope at the back of an inaccessible
drawer. DON'T call her. DON't email her or send her cards. It will
only prolong your agony. When you start to think about her, change
your train of thought to something productive, like what activity(ies)
you would like to devote your time and energy to, now that she's not
sucking it all away from you.

And if she comes crying to you, telling you that she's really sorry
and that she loves you and that she will change the way she treats
you, DON'T go back to her -- if you do, you will only end up falling
right back into the old pattern of mistreatment, jealousy, and hurt
again.

I KNOW that it will be very hard to do this. I was once in a
relationship much like yours. It took me a LONG time to get to the
point where I was able to recognize that things would never change,
and that it was time for me to get on with my life. Of course, then he
came crying to me, telling me how much he loved me and missed me, and
swearing to change. I gave him another chance. At first things were
better, but they soon went back to the old ways. At that point, I was
finally able to just walk away from the relationship without looking
back.

But I had wasted 3½ years of my life -- some of the best years, when I
still had all my looks, my body, and my vitality. All wasted on
someone who did little but suck the very life out of me. All those
missed opportunities to grow and learn as a person, and perhaps meet
someone who would actually be the right person for ME.

If it helps you to remain strong and determined, come back to this
Question and read this once a day -- or print it off and keep it in
your wallet. Remember that only YOU have the power to change your life
for the better, and that as long as you are giving yourself to this
dead-end relationship, things will never improve.

I know that you have an uphill road ahead of you. But I also know that
YOU CAN DO THIS. You CAN make your life change for the better.

I wish you All the Best,

aceresearcher